Last week, Columbia was struck by a university-wide cyberattack, rendering most online IT services unavailable and leaking at least 1.8 million Social Security numbers belonging to students, faculty, and staff. Columbia has…
Moments after conceding the New York City Primary Election to underdog Zohran Mamdani, Andrew Cuomo announced his new role as Columbia University President. This leadership change marks an end to three years…
Given the recent announcement by the US Department of Education that Columbia University no longer meets accreditation standards, President Shafik Armstrong Shipman (or whoever we’re on now) has confirmed that the recently…
In a newly published research brief, Columbia University Republicans claim that Ronald Reagan’s trickle-down economics works, and their findings are certainly food for thought. The brief contains empirical research that analyzes meal…
At least one graduate in the Class of 2025 can sleep easy, knowing what the future holds after she graduates. Unfortunately for her, the future holds years of meticulous research into a…
“I think this is my fourth loop, maybe my fifth. You have to help me break out… I think things are getting worse. Every loop has an even more restricted campus, greater…
A newly released article by The Guardian alleged that tech giant Apple flew 600 tonnes of iPhones to the U.S. from India in an attempt to beat recently imposed import tariffs by…
As part of a yearly tradition, the university has released a demographic poll of the newly-committed class of 2029. Most notably, the survey reported that a whopping 100 percent of incoming students…
Dear Class of 2029, Congratulations on Your Admittance to the Most Brutalized Ivy League Student Body! While we looked at almost one hundred applications from all over the world [i.e, from one…
In an executive order on April 9th, President Trump announced the end of the left’s war on showerheads. Lauded as a rare win for radical feminists, Trump has taken down the Obama-Biden…
