Peace be upon you, brothers and sisters. I write today not as a holy man, but as a humble vessel tormented by temptation. It began, as most sins do, with a scent…
Columbia Dining recently announced that, due to Trump’s newly enacted eggonomic policies, each student would be limited to two eggs per day. Egg consumption will be tracked via CUID and cross-referenced by…
This morning, Columbia Dining announced that the infamous campus currency Dining Dollars has been renamed “Cafe East Dollars,” because “that’s literally the only place you can use them anyways.” Columbia has long…
Columbia Dining recently announced a new initiative to take pressure off of campus dining halls during peak hours—Hooda Halal will now accept meal plan dining swipes. “The popularity of Hooda among the…
Following the success of the Apple TV drama Severance, JJ’s has instituted the severance procedure for all its visitors. Once you go down those sticky, slippery stairs, you won’t remember anything your…
In a recent April newsletter, Barnard Dining announced that only Barnard students will be allowed to dine at Hewitt Dining Hall. Beginning Monday, April 14th, students enrolled in CC, SEAS, and GS…
Due to Barnard’s recently publicized debt troubles, administrators have been searching for any easy cost-cutting measures to take to potentially ease the financial burden facing the school. This week, Barnard administrators finally…
Dear Columbia Students, We’ve heard your complaints. Despite our new locations this year, there is still one major glaring issue we haven’t been able to address when looking across all of Columbia’s…
Dear Columbia Community, It’s no secret that the current state of our campus—and our country—can seem intimidating, disheartening, and hopeless. It’s easy to spiral into pessimism and eventual apathy when there are…
Shortly after Pro-Palestinian protestors occupied Milstein Library, the entire building was evacuated due to an alleged “bomb threat.” Many have been looking dubiously upon the nature of this threat, which some believe…
