The Columbia Federalist

February 12, 2025February 12, 2025

GOP Deems Valentine’s Candy a Threat to Pro-Life Movement: Introduces Bill Requiring Women to Take “Rear and Deliver Oath” to Purchase

WASHINGTON — On Capitol Hill this week, House Republicans took a pause from sorting out the many problems affecting the country to deal with a far more pressing issue: the completely unregulated…

Articles/On Campus/Opinion

Best Cuck Chairs on Campus for Couples Looking to Try Something New This Valentine’s Day

by Federalist Staff

February 11, 2025February 12, 2025

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Articles/New York City

“Man, I Miss Winter Break,” Says Student Who Doesn’t Do Any Work During the Semester Either

by Sylvi Stein

February 9, 2025February 9, 2025

As spring semester has started to kick into gear, students have already…

Articles/On Campus/Opinion

The Prestigious University’s Guide to Choosing a New President

by Sylvi Stein and Amy Pham

February 6, 2025February 6, 2025

We’ve all been there: your big-name university president made an oopsie or…

Articles/Business/World

Rainforest Cafe Rebrands as Drought and Deforestation Cafe in Response to Election Results

by Inica Kotasthane

February 4, 2025February 4, 2025

Ahead of President-re-elect Donald Trump’s inauguration, businesses are making big changes to their environmental messaging, adapting to dire projections of climate change. Everyone’s favorite childhood restaurant, the Rainforest Cafe, has announced that…

Articles/Politics

RFK Jr. To Ban Shaving Above the Knee

by Olivia Ruble

February 2, 2025February 2, 2025

Washington, D.C.—In a surprise broadcast last night, Robert F. Kennedy Jr., Donald Trump’s pick to head the Department of Health and Human Services, announced his first major policy initiative: a nationwide ban…

Articles/Breaking/World

BREAKING: Landmark Study Finds Only 34% of American Uncles are Abnormally Racist

by Daniel Rashes and Oliver Green

January 30, 2025January 30, 2025

In anticipation of the holidays, a joint research publication from the Stanford University and Columbia University Psychology Departments unveiled that a mere 34% of American uncles fell above one standard deviation from…

Articles/World

I Lived It: I Used the Fires in LA to Reconnect With My Hometown Situationship

by Nicole Pi

January 28, 2025January 28, 2025

When the fires broke out in LA two weeks ago, it wasn’t the acrid smell of smoke or the apocalyptic orange sky that unsettled me the most—it was the way they reminded…

Articles/Arts and Culture/On Campus

Beware! I Did Sorority Rush and They Hazed Me Into Solving the Major Ethical Dilemmas of the Century

by Inica Kotasthane

January 25, 2025January 25, 2025

I decided to rush this semester in pursuit of sisterhood, social validation, and the divine feminine. Upon entering Faculty House in my modestly slutty midi dress and nude heels, I expected to…

Articles/New York City/On Campus

First in the Nation! Columbia to Institute Congestion Pricing for Entering Campus During Peak Hours

by Fenway Donegan

January 23, 2025January 23, 2025

In a stunning announcement from the President’s Office, Columbia University will be instituting congestion pricing in an attempt to cut down on wait times to enter campus during peak hours. Columbia becomes…

Articles/On Campus

Columbia Introduces Campus-Wide Ziplines

by Clara Neilson-Papish and Izzy Szyfer

January 21, 2025January 21, 2025

Zwhoop! What was that? Oh, just the new ziplines across campus that Columbia introduced in effort to reduce collisions between students looking down at their phones! “Look, we’ve tried everything, but at…

Articles/Barnard/Breaking/On Campus

Barnard to Drop New Merch Ahead of Inauguration

by Maddy Manning-Bi

January 19, 2025January 19, 2025

Barnard College of Columbia University announced that in honor of the upcoming inauguration of president-elect Donald Trump, the school would be releasing a new line of merchandise for immediate purchase. Introducing the…

Articles/New York City/Politics

Eric Adams Unsure Whether to Include Turkish Language Proficiency on GS Application

by Bayan Shimizu

January 12, 2025January 12, 2025

Fearing an imminent change in employment, Mayor Eric Adams was recently seen editing his application to the School of General Studies, unsure if his knowledge of the Turkish language will help or…

Articles/Food and Drink/On Campus

Startling New Study Finds Dining Hall Eggs Contain Trace Amounts of Egg

by Beau Gantz

January 7, 2025January 7, 2025

Do you know what’s in your breakfast? A concerning new study has revealed that the scrambled eggs served in Columbia and Barnard dining halls actually contain trace amounts of egg. The study…

Articles/New York City/Opinion

Dear Jack Frost: Please Stop Nipping at My Nose, It’s Getting a Little Weird

by Oliver Green

January 5, 2025January 5, 2025

After a long, warm autumn season, I was finally feeling ready for the winter cold to set in. I had always enjoyed bundling up in a cozy winter coat, walking around and…

Articles/New York City/Science and Technology

Woman in STEM becomes STEM in Woman: Columbia Bookstore Announces Vibrator Line

by Olivia Ruble

January 2, 2025January 2, 2025

Ever been polishing your pearl and thought, You know what would make this better? A little Ivy League spirit. Or maybe you’re rendezvousing with that special someone and suddenly wonder, Would my…

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