The Columbia Federalist

by Oliver Green

July 2, 2025July 6, 2025

Articles/On Campus/Science and Technology

Problem Solved! In Aftermath of Data Breach CUIT to Add Exclamation Point To All High-Security Passwords

Last week, Columbia was struck by a university-wide cyberattack, rendering most online IT services unavailable and leaking at least 1.8 million Social Security numbers belonging to students, faculty, and staff. Columbia has…

Articles/Business/On Campus/Politics

Andrew Cuomo Announces New Role as Columbia University President

by Oliver Green and Inica Kotasthane

June 30, 2025July 2, 2025

Moments after conceding the New York City Primary Election to underdog Zohran…

Articles/Breaking News/Claire Shipman/On Campus

Columbia Announces Class of 2025 as Last Graduating Class Ever

by Inica Kotasthane

June 30, 2025July 2, 2025

Given the recent announcement by the US Department of Education that Columbia…

Articles/Food and Drink/On Campus/Politics

CU Republicans Cite End-of-Semester Meal Swipe Distribution as Successful Example of Trickle-Down Economics

by Inica Kotasthane

May 15, 2025May 15, 2025

In a newly published research brief, Columbia University Republicans claim that Ronald…

Articles/World

CONGRATULATIONS AND CONDOLENCES: This Woman Has Post-Grad Plans (Unfortunately, It’s Grad School)

by Gabrielle Linder

May 13, 2025May 14, 2025

At least one graduate in the Class of 2025 can sleep easy, knowing what the future holds after she graduates. Unfortunately for her, the future holds years of meticulous research into a…

Articles/On Campus

Help! I’m Stuck in a Time Loop Where the Columbia Administration Keeps Fucking Up in the Exact Same Way Every Time

by Inica Kotasthane

May 11, 2025May 11, 2025

“I think this is my fourth loop, maybe my fifth. You have to help me break out… I think things are getting worse. Every loop has an even more restricted campus, greater…

Articles/Food and Drink/On Campus/Politics

Import Tariff? This Senior Just Performed a Stopgap Measure by Clearing Out JJ’s Pick-4

by Ashley Rapp

May 9, 2025May 9, 2025

A newly released article by The Guardian alleged that tech giant Apple flew 600 tonnes of iPhones to the U.S. from India in an attempt to beat recently imposed import tariffs by…

Articles/Food and Drink

Report: 100 Percent of Incoming Class of 2029 Can’t Use Chopsticks and Would Like a Fork Please

by Oliver Green

May 6, 2025May 6, 2025

As part of a yearly tradition, the university has released a demographic poll of the newly-committed class of 2029. Most notably, the survey reported that a whopping 100 percent of incoming students…

Articles/Arts and Culture/Food and Drink/On Campus

Ask and You Shall Receive: Administration Responds to Admitted Student Concerns

by Livy Molko, Clara Neilson-Papish, Sophia Brown and Valerie Yum

May 5, 2025May 2, 2025

Dear Class of 2029, Congratulations on Your Admittance to the Most Brutalized Ivy League Student Body! While we looked at almost one hundred applications from all over the world [i.e, from one…

Articles/Politics

He’s Just like Me Fr; Trump Declares End of War on Shower Pressure

by Valerie Solanas

May 5, 2025May 2, 2025

In an executive order on April 9th, President Trump announced the end of the left’s war on showerheads. Lauded as a rare win for radical feminists, Trump has taken down the Obama-Biden…

Advice/Articles

r/AITA: AITA for getting back at the roommate I’ve hated all year??

by Federalist Staff

May 5, 2025May 2, 2025

u/millie_muncher666 • 9 days ago I (19F) go to the Orwell Ivy, and my roommate (18F) is straight from hell. It all started when we were DMing on Instagram. She’s from Brooklyn…

Articles/Arts and Culture/Food and Drink/On Campus

Ferris Booth Commons Vegan Chorizo, A Love Poem from a Struggling Vegetarian

by Federalist Staff

May 5, 2025May 2, 2025

A’walkin round in Lerner, Looking for a treat. Thought: well im close to Ferris, But all they ever have is meat! Chicken, bacon, sausage, pepperoni on their pies, Ferris Booth Commons is…

Articles/Opinion/Politics

New Executive Orders We’d Like To See From President Trump

by Oliver Green

May 5, 2025May 2, 2025

President Trump signed an executive order earlier this month which proclaimed the water pressure of shower heads to be “too damn soft,” something which he demands must change. While we at The…

Articles/Barnard/Breaking News

CC Student Follows Barnard on LinkedIn, Deemed Women’s College-Wide Hero

by Kimberly Wing

May 5, 2025May 2, 2025

After nosy profile viewer and political science major Chad Major-Ally (CC ’27) followed Barnard College on LinkedIn.com, he received a hero’s welcome as he stepped through the gates of the women’s college…

Articles/New York City/On Campus

New Free Summer Housing Option Opens: Butler Library!

by Reza Shayesteh

May 5, 2025May 2, 2025

For some members of the Columbia community, going home for the summer means time for rest and relaxation, prestigious internships, trips to Ibi(th)za, or spending time with old friends. But for those…

Articles/Breaking News/Claire Shipman/On Campus

New Report Finds That This Will Only Get Worse

by Fenway Donegan

May 5, 2025May 2, 2025

A series of reports from all corners of Columbia University have confirmed that things will only continue to get worse. Working in collaboration, several graduate programs within the University have released findings…

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