Dearest Illustrious Professoress Tal Malkin, When I was a child, my mom…
Claire Shipman will soon step down from her yearlong role as Acting…
In a message sent to the Barnard Community it was announced that…
I, admittedly, once loved the feckless four floors Unfortunately, they’ve become an object I quite abhor There seems to be no way around it I now hate the trove of profound wit…
In an effort to reduce food waste, Columbia Dining announced that in the coming months they will be replacing all dining hall “hand fruit” with wax replicas. Bananas, apples, oranges—you name it,…
In a move to support both the war effort and undergraduate academic progress, Columbia University announced Thursday that military deployment to Iran will now satisfy the Global Core requirement, earning students four…
Recently, the brothers of Phi Nu have been struggling to sell tickets to their formal (Gossip Girl themed for the 27th time in a row) due to their questionable reputation on campus.…
At first glance, Billy Multitasker appears to be a machine, a man on a mission. He’s got an eight-monitor set-up in Butler and shushed the stupid beta cuckold asking around the library…
Uris Library announced last Wednesday that they would be rolling out a new vision of the first floor talking library. The first floor is known throughout campus for its social laidback vibe…
To anyone who will listen: please attend to my tale of woe! This morning, my application to be a summer intern in my own (upper-middle-class) home was rejected. I’d gotten desperate following…
As the weather warms up, a tragic economic reality is revealed to those who care enough to open their eyes and see it. Smattered across the lawns of our very own campus,…
The Strait of Hormuz, one of the most heavily-used passages for oil and energy traffic, has been closed since March of 2026 due to American interference in the Middle East. Tensions have…
“I never thought I’d get this far,” admitted the fabled “Broadway arsonist” this morning after finally succeeding in burning down Broadway Hall. The infamous arsonist is known for awaking every Broadway resident…
Earlier this week, a pair of emails sent out to the entirety of the Columbia Student and Faculty body sent shock waves through the community. The first email featured an all too…
CAN ANYBODY HEAR ME?! Hey—finally you found me! I’ve been stuck under here forever! You’re probably wondering how I got into this pickle… well, it’s a long story. One night—gosh, it feels…
