Fresh off of landmark careers of blocking, stalling, and haggling their way to the front of the national stage, Senators Joe Manchin and Kyrsten Sinema have become Columbia University’s newest hires. “We…
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In a graphic and obscene display, workers removed the scaffolding on the…
Cut your dick off CUT YOUR DICK OFF CUT YOUR DICK OFF…
Friends from NSOP One ReopenCU daily attestation SSOL’s downtime during course registration …
From Our Thanksgiving Issue:
“I’m the co-president of X club!” Just replace X with the name of any former president and talk about how you initiate campus-wide discussions on hot-button issues. Make it sound super impressive…
Sorry Prezbo, but I’m Prezhoe. I’m 8,500 cubic feet of powerful sexual energy, a big Barnard Baddie. I’m an inflatable Snoopy balloon looking for my Red Baron. Show up at 5:00 am…
I am a happy Turkey so happy I am Alive. Life is good. I have found myself. I have manifested good life. I think not of death. Everything sparks joy Farmer gives…
After many years of advocating for animal rights, PETA has apparently “given up.” The organization posted on all of their social media accounts “Go nuts,” accompanied by a graphic of a cartoon…
"I can't do this any longer," Gradis confessed tearfully. "I have to pretend I understand what's happening in this class for the whole semester? Are you kidding? I'm an Econ major." …
The Core Curriculum is a quintessential facet of Columbia student life. It is easy to forget, however, that masterpieces such as the Iliad and Brian Greene’s YouTube channel are not facts of…
When asked for a comment, one grad student in Comparative Literature, who wished to remain anonymous, stated: “I don’t really know. It feels almost a little pointed, like he’s saying that we’re…
David Russel, senior class president for the 2001-2002 school year, broke down in tears after hearing “All Too Well (10 Minute Version)(Taylor’s Version)(From The Fault)” and resolved to take action. “I couldn’t…
“We understand the concerns surrounding the biological differences between Sims and humans, but we strongly believe the benefits outweigh the costs. Can a human exist for four hours as a ghost? No,…
I just met my new roommate and she seems really cool! She’s always talking about different foods and fun cuisines. She recommended we have a poppers night, so I’m running to H-Mart…
Union champion?: Graduate student workers were very surprised on Wednesday afternoon when they spotted Prezbo on the picket line. When asked why he was protesting, he replied that he is currently in…
With Halloween approaching, keep your eyes peeled for these ten ghosts you can find roaming around campus. Please note: The Federalist does not condone the harassment of any ghosts on campus. TREASURY…
