The Columbia Federalist

April 27, 2025April 27, 2025

Columbia Public Safety Preemptively Confiscates Tent-Like Items

In response to leaked plans of a new encampment, Columbia Public Safety has heightened its security measures to prevent another occupation of South Lawn. In a memo to Public Safety officers obtained…

Articles/Food and Drink

Dom Seeking Sub: Dominican Friar Desires Chef Mike’s Sub Sandwich

by Brother Thomas of the Order of Preachers

April 24, 2025April 24, 2025

Peace be upon you, brothers and sisters. I write today not as…

Articles/On Campus/Politics

I LIVED IT: My Citations Were So Bad They Caused the Collapse of American Academia as We Know It

by Federalist Staff

April 22, 2025April 22, 2025

Each day seems to bring worse and worse news about the grim…

Articles/World

Adulterous Father Sweats Bullets as Easter Egg Hunt Spreads to His Car

by Ashley Rapp and Oliver Green

April 20, 2025April 24, 2025

“Hey little bud! Let’s move away from there haha… no eggs in…

Articles/Barnard/Laura Rosenbury/On Campus

Barnard’s New Ethics Reporting Hotline Receives Flood of Reports About President Rosenbury

by Inica Kotasthane and Ava Lyon-Sereno

April 18, 2025April 18, 2025

Do you like being an annoying little jerk à la Home Alone (1990)? Were you the kid that reminded the teacher about homework at the end of class? Well if you’re also…

Articles/On Campus

Study: Low Library Actually Pretty High Relative to Most of Campus

by Bayan Shimizu

April 17, 2025April 17, 2025

Following a study conducted by the Columbia Graduate School of Architecture, researchers determined that Low Library falsely claimed an altitude far below its real location on campus. Architectural scholars, who had long…

Articles/Arts and Culture/Science and Technology/World

Katy Perry Sent to Space After Mistaking Astronomy for Astrology

by Livy Molko

April 15, 2025April 15, 2025

Every girl wants to go to space, or does she just wanna read her horoscope? Grammy award-winning, world-renowned, best-selling music artist Katy Perry is a part of the crew on Jeff Bezos’…

Articles/On Campus

Legacy Students at Columbia Given Preferential Admission

by Ava Lyon-Sereno

April 13, 2025April 13, 2025

In recent campus news, Columbia representatives announced that legacy admission students would now be given a leg up in getting into the university: “We believe that the debates about the impact of…

Articles/Food and Drink/On Campus/Sports

Student-Athletes Riot in Response to Ferris Egg Shortage

by Ava Lyon-Sereno, Inica Kotasthane and Kimberly Wing

April 11, 2025April 24, 2025

Columbia Dining recently announced that, due to Trump’s newly enacted eggonomic policies, each student would be limited to two eggs per day. Egg consumption will be tracked via CUID and cross-referenced by…

Articles/Politics/Science and Technology

Trans-Continental Railroad Renamed to Continental Railroad

by Fenway Donegan

April 10, 2025April 10, 2025

Trump’s anti-DEI push continues. Executive Order 11354, the latest in a series of anti-DEI measures meant to counteract a perceived liberal dominance in the federal government, officially renamed the first trans-continental railroad–also…

Articles/Food and Drink/On Campus

Dining Dollars to be Renamed to “Cafe East Dollars”

by James Coppersmith

April 8, 2025April 8, 2025

This morning, Columbia Dining announced that the infamous campus currency Dining Dollars has been renamed “Cafe East Dollars,” because “that’s literally the only place you can use them anyways.” Columbia has long…

Articles/On Campus/Politics

Columbia Health and Well-Being Offices Unveil New Programming in Response to Student Concerns

by Inica Kotasthane

April 7, 2025April 24, 2025

With the increasing pressures being put on Columbia University by the Trump administration in the form of heightened surveillance and targeting of students, academic programs, and funding, many community members have reported…

Articles/Food and Drink/On Campus

Hooda Halal Now Accepting Dining Swipes

by Sylvi Stein

April 6, 2025April 6, 2025

Columbia Dining recently announced a new initiative to take pressure off of campus dining halls during peak hours—Hooda Halal will now accept meal plan dining swipes. “The popularity of Hooda among the…

Articles/Books/On Campus

Study Finds 93% of Creative Writing Majors Just Writing About Their Lives

by Ashley Rapp

April 4, 2025April 4, 2025

The Columbia English department recently published a study on the usage of personal anecdotes in creative writing “fiction” among university students. The department began funding the study after Professor O. Versher found…

Articles/Arts and Culture/Food and Drink/On Campus/Pop Culture

JJ’s Institutes Severance Procedure

by Izzy Szyfer

April 3, 2025April 3, 2025

Following the success of the Apple TV drama Severance, JJ’s has instituted the severance procedure for all its visitors. Once you go down those sticky, slippery stairs, you won’t remember anything your…

Articles/Arts and Culture/On Campus

DEVASTATING: Why is Nobody Else Here Excited About April Foos Day (International Foosball Day)?

by Oliver Green

April 2, 2025April 2, 2025

Each year of my life, I’ve looked forward to the beginning of April like a kid looks forward to presents on Christmas Day. And no, it’s not because of the idiotic, childish…

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