The Columbia Federalist

by Zoe SIlverman

December 11, 2024December 11, 2024

Advice/Articles/On Campus

10 Best Ways to Use a Study Room

Study rooms are essential to a college student’s academic life. How else can I get work done if I am not alone in a four-foot by four-foot cubicle? I like my studying…

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Articles/Breaking/Business

Penn Celebrates First Cool Alum Since Noam Chomsky

by Federalist Staff

December 10, 2024December 10, 2024

Infamous for its controversial alumni including Donald Trump, Elon Musk, and Dr.…

Articles/Barnard/On Campus/Politics/Style

What’s in My Bag ft. Barnard Campus Security

by Inica Kotasthane

December 9, 2024December 9, 2024

“Hey guys and welcome to my What’s in My Bag vlog as…

Articles/Arts and Culture/Food and Drink

Respond to These Texts and We’ll Assign You a Dining Hall Food to Fit Your Personality

by Clara Neilson-Papish

December 9, 2024December 8, 2024

2. “heyy could I see your answers for the french hw” 3.…

Articles/On Campus

Butler Cough, a Haiku

by Stella Turowsky-Ganci

December 9, 2024December 5, 2024

The silent workers tremble A thunderous burst of sound I coughed in Butler…

Advice/Articles

The Fed’s Advice Corner: Ask a Child Prodigy!

by Oliver Green and Ashley Rapp

December 9, 2024December 5, 2024

Our readers wrote in to ask questions of The Fed’s resident boy supergenius: Caleb Brooks, age 4, IQ of 280, from Lincoln, Nebraska. Q: Dear Caleb the boy supergenius, Sometimes when I’m…

Advice/Articles/On Campus

What to do the night before your first final but your zodiac is saying that “you can’t force yourself to create when you’re burnt out.” Co-StarTM, a Zodiac app

by Valerie Rahman Yum

December 9, 2024December 5, 2024

…

Articles/Barnard/Breaking/On Campus

BARNARD TO DROP NEW MERCH AHEAD OF INAUGURATION

by Maddy Manning-Bi

December 9, 2024December 5, 2024

Barnard College of Columbia University announced that in honor of the upcoming inauguration of president-elect Donald Trump, the school would be releasing a new line of merchandise for immediate purchase. Introducing: the…

Articles/Sports

Columbia Football Team’s Poor Performance Causes Roar-ee The Lion to Retire Early to Palm Beach

by Sydney Finver

December 9, 2024December 5, 2024

As a result of the Columbia Lions’ recent epic losses, Roar–ee stated in a recent interview with The Federalist that, after some self-reflection, he has decided it will be best for his…

Articles/Politics

Fed Reincorporates Into Pennsylvania, Aims to Commit Late-Term Voter Fraud

by Reza Shayesteh and Dani Winkler

December 9, 2024December 5, 2024

Last week, The Fed announced that they would be re-registering as a corporation within the state of Pennsylvania, effectively giving their 40+ members the right to register and vote (albeit belatedly) in…

Articles/New York City/Opinion

OP-ED: Now that Jaywalking is Legal in New York City, I Don’t Want to Do it Anymore

by Reza Shayesteh

December 9, 2024December 5, 2024

Today, New York City officially made one of its most ancient and sacred practices legal. Even though I didn’t even know it was actually “illegal,” the rebellious act of crossing the street…

Articles/New York City/Politics

Mayor Eric Adams claims he could’ve beaten Donald Trump: “It takes a criminal to beat a criminal.”

by Joshua Thorne

December 9, 2024December 5, 2024

In the wake of Donald Trump’s landslide victory in the 2024 presidential election, many of us have leveraged our shock and outrage into speculation. There has been furious debate online about which…

Articles/Food and Drink/On Campus

Koronet’s Komforter: My Dorm Hasn’t Turned the Heat On So I’m Using a Jumbo Cheese Slice to Stay Warm

by Ava Lyon-Sereno

December 9, 2024December 5, 2024

Come one! Come all! Hear ye this tale of woe, and depart with a new hack for this dreadful winter season. A fortnight ago, ‘twas shiveringly cold in my dormitory. I tossed…

Articles/On Campus/World

Little France Now Requires Valid Passport to Enter

by Julia Ryan

December 9, 2024December 5, 2024

In a recent announcement via their diplomatic envoy, “Little France” (the tiny run-off nation located in the narrow corridor between the Lawns and Butler Library) has begun strict enforcement of their border.…

Articles/Food and Drink/On Campus

Startling New Study Finds Dining Hall Eggs Contain Trace Amounts of Egg

by Beau Gantz

December 9, 2024December 5, 2024

Do you know what’s in your breakfast? A concerning new study has revealed that the scrambled eggs served in Columbia and Barnard dining halls actually contain trace amounts of egg. The study…

Articles/On Campus/Pop Culture

Armstrong Look-Alike Competition Winner Decided

by Zoe SIlverman

December 9, 2024December 5, 2024

In response to the recent Timothée Chalamet look-alike contest in New York in October, a Harry Styles look-alike contest emerged in London, a Paul Mescal look-alike contest in Dublin, and a Jeremy…

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