The Columbia Federalist

March 13, 2025March 13, 2025

Ask Fed: Can I Go on Spring Break Without Being a Gentrifier?

Dear Fed, All my friends are going to Punta Cana for Spring Break this year, and I’m supposed to go with them, but I’m starting to feel weird about it. We were…

Articles/Arts and Culture/Business

Columbia University Sells You to One Direction

by Kimberly Wing

March 12, 2025March 12, 2025

BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! At 8 AM, you wake up in your cramped…

Articles/Business/On Campus/Science and Technology

Modern Problems Require Modern Solutions: Armstrong Suggests Medical Students Start OnlyFans Accounts to Fund Research

by Federalist Staff

March 11, 2025March 11, 2025

After the announcement that the Trump administration would be cutting $400 million…

Articles/Arts and Culture/Music/On Campus

Bacchanal Headliner Revealed: The Police

by Aron Shklar

March 10, 2025March 10, 2025

In a highly-anticipated announcement, Columbia University administrators have announced that The Police…

Articles/Barnard/On Campus

Columbia Denies All Connections To Barnard Following Resurfaced Allegations Of Misconduct

by Fenway Donegan and Aron Shklar

March 9, 2025March 9, 2025

After recent reports of activists engaging in sit-ins, an alleged bomb threat, and $400 million dollars of federal contracts and grants being frozen by the Department of Justice (DOJ), Department of Health…

Articles/Barnard/Food and Drink/On Campus

Rosenbury Reveals She Told Protestors the Margarita She Was Sipping in Miami Was ‘Da Bomb,’ Apologizes for Confusion

by Federalist Staff

March 8, 2025March 9, 2025

Shortly after Pro-Palestinian protestors occupied Milstein Library, the entire building was evacuated due to an alleged “bomb threat.” Many have been looking dubiously upon the nature of this threat, which some believe…

Articles/Business/Politics/Science and Technology

Shocking! Due to Funding Cuts, All Columbia Majors Equally Unemployable

by Joshua Thorne

March 7, 2025March 9, 2025

A new study from Reuters finds, in a shocking reversal of conventional major wisdom, all undergraduate students from Columbia University are now equally unemployable. In the wake of over $400 million in…

Articles/Arts and Culture/Books/On Campus

The LitHum Syllabus Explained in BookTok Tropes

by Izzy Szyfer

March 4, 2025March 4, 2025

Completely lost in LitHum? Fret not with this handy-dandy guide to your favorite Lit Hum books with terms from the internet’s horniest little book nerds. The Exaltation of Inanna: female rage, revenge…

Articles/Arts and Culture

Hilaria Baldwin Wins Best Actress for ‘Emilia Pérez’

by Ashley Rapp

March 3, 2025March 3, 2025

Hilaria Baldwin just secured her first Oscar win. The star, 41, won Best Actress at the 2025 Academy Awards on Sunday. The Massachusetts-born, Spanish-cosplaying actress exclaimed, “It just means so much to…

Articles/Pop Culture

Kylie Jenner’s Kids Can No Longer Fall Asleep Without A Harmonica Lullaby by Timothée Chalamet

by Livy Molko

March 2, 2025March 4, 2025

With Timothée Chalamet and Kylie Jenner’s unsuspecting relationship going on two years next month, Chalamet has become a prominent figure in the Jenner household. For the past five years, Chalamet has worked…

Articles/On Campus/Politics

Fear Not Columbia Community, for Mike Pompeo Has Arrived!

by Beau Gantz

March 1, 2025March 1, 2025

A Letter from the Desk of Interim President Katrina Armstrong: Dear Columbia Community, I recognize that these past few months have been uniquely challenging. Restrictions on campus coupled with rising tensions surrounding…

Articles/Arts and Culture/World

‘I’M SO FUCKING PISSED’: Punxsutawney Phil’s Wife to Leave Him Alone This Week

by Ashley Rapp and Oliver Green

February 28, 2025February 28, 2025

At a time of peak winter-weather cuddles, Punxsutawney Phyllis has kicked husband Phil to the couch due to the recent warm, specifically spring, weather. TMZ reports that Phil has been “out of…

Articles/Pop Culture

Mikey Madison To Teach Russian For Heritage Speakers I & II

by Ava Young-Stoner

February 27, 2025February 27, 2025

After the broad success and acclaim of Anora (despite my mid Letterboxd review lolz follow me @moistweave), Columbia’s Slavic Department has announced that the film’s leading actress, Mikey Madison, has joined their…

Articles/Arts and Culture

“Five Stars for Five-Head”: Lily-Rose Depp’s Groundbreaking Forehead Representation

by Joshua Thorne

February 25, 2025February 25, 2025

Lily Rose-Depp’s starring role in Robert Egger’s remake of the classic film Nosferatu has been critically acclaimed, but for many Columbia students, she’s more than a scream queen. For many who have…

Articles/Arts and Culture/Food and Drink

Having a Yerb With You (in the style of Frank O’Hara)

by Dani Winkler and Ashley Rapp

February 23, 2025February 23, 2025

is even more fun than going to Amity, 1020, The Heights, The Expat, Suiteor being sick to my stomach on the Via back to your dormpartly because when drinking your Orange Exuberance…

Articles/Breaking News

Student Excited to Announce That They Are #OpenToDate

by Inica Kotasthane

February 20, 2025February 20, 2025

Hi everyone! I wanted to share an important update with my network regarding my personal life. I am now #OpenToDate! This comes after months of listening to ‘attracting, not chasing’ subliminals, writing…

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