The Columbia Federalist

by Oliver Green

December 5, 2023December 5, 2023

Finals Week to be Condensed into Finals Day to Allow Extra Time for Midterms

As the semester has entered its waning days, the Columbia administration has announced a bold new policy that will condense finals week into a “finals day.” The statement read as follows: “It…

Breaking News/Politics

George Santos Expelled from House of Representatives, Plans to Become Professor of Molecular Biology at Columbia

by Sasha Maroulis

December 3, 2023December 3, 2023

As the House of Representatives has recently voted to expel George Santos,…

Breaking/Music

BREAKING: People Who Got “POV: indie” on Spotify Wrapped to Hold Campus Social Celebrating Unique Taste

by Eamon Costello

November 30, 2023November 30, 2023

After the annual mass posting of Spotify Wrapped on Instagram stories, some…

Breaking/Music

Report: You Are in the Top 1% of Spotify Listeners With Absolutely Trash Taste

by Sylvi Stein

November 29, 2023November 29, 2023

Hi! It’s your Spotify Wrapped here! I just wanted to let you…

On Campus/Opinion

An Open Letter to Columbia Admissions: PRIORITIZE FURRY APPLICANTS!

by S G

November 28, 2023November 28, 2023

It has been a month since I joined the Columbia community, yet the discomfort of the hard reality that no one discusses still breaks my heart. The complete void of furry identities.…

Food and Drink/New York City

NYC Faces City-Wide Shortage of Barefoot Moscato due to Unprecedented Spike in Friendsgiving Parties

by Inica Kotasthane

November 26, 2023November 26, 2023

Cheap wine-lovers, we’ve got bad news for you! Barefoot Moscato, the fake wine snob’s favorite wine, is sold out across New York City. Beverage Economists are tracing this scandal to the city’s…

Breaking News/World

Move Over Friendsgiving, There’s A New Sheriff in Town: EnemiesGiving

by Lizzie Olson

November 23, 2023November 23, 2023

It’s a recent phenomenon, Friendsgiving. Much like the famed and corporatized “Galentine’s Day,” Friendsgiving has become another holiday about celebrating your found family: getting together with your closest pals, cooking a hearty…

Breaking News/On Campus

Columbia Announces New Gate Policy: Visitors Must Solve a Troll’s Three Riddles in Lieu of Showing CUIDs

by Inica Kotasthane and Elena Lukac

November 21, 2023November 21, 2023

Move over NYPD, the trolls are here! In response to increasing political tensions on campus, the colleges of Columbia University have introduced a magical new system to regulate gate traffic. The regulation…

Barnard/Breaking News

New Report Shows Rep. George Santos Also Used Campaign Funds to Sponsor Barnard Big Sub Day

by Izzy Szyfer

November 17, 2023November 17, 2023

Diva down! A newly unearthed report reveals that in addition to Botox, Sephora, and OnlyFans, Representative George Santos used official campaign funds to sponsor the 2023 Barnard Big Sub Day. When questioned…

Breaking/Food and Drink/On Campus

Chef Mike Opens ‘Chef Mike Bike’ Right Next to Fac Shack

by Sasha Maroulis

November 5, 2023November 8, 2023

With the growing popularity of Columbia’s newest dining option, Fac Shack, Columbia dining legend Chef Mike recently decided to open up the ‘Chef Mike Bike’ right next door. Enraged by the number…

Breaking/On Campus

“Actually, We Reserved This Room,” Say Seventeen Students Simultaneously

by Bayan Shimizu and Zoe SIlverman

November 3, 2023November 5, 2023

According to sources at Uris Library, seventeen different students were seen entering a private study room to claim it as their own. Reportedly, each student made a claim that they reserved it…