Twenty-five years after the last major update of SSOL in 2001 following the .com bubble burst and the concurrent cheapening of software engineer labor, the Registrar’s Office has announced plans to reformat…
Wondering where you’re going to spend those 50 blissful minutes of venting, sweating, shivering, and giggling you enjoy each week in therapy? Don’t worry, research shows that these 3 spots on campus…
“Another boring day in the kitchen,” Chef Don mumbled to himself as he opened the door to the dining hall. Life is so mundane these days, he thought, and he began to…
It was 6:30 p.m. The air was hot, damp, and buzzing with mosquitoes. I had just clocked out of my summer job as a cart girl at a neighborhood golf course. My…
Columbia Dining recently announced that, effective immediately, any student who purchases a meal at Ferris Booth Commons must also enroll in a weekly discussion section. “We recognize that content is understood more…
A new craze is sweeping America’s campuses, concerning both parents and upperclassmen alike: apparently these freshmen never learned how to fucking walk. The phenomenon has been something of a spectacle on Columbia’s…
Justice Gorsuch. Neil. Nelly. Dad. There is no easy way for me to put this, so I’m just going to come right out and say it. You have a son. It wasn’t…
It is a truth universally acknowledged that any future Columbia millionaires and billionaires hoping to secure a job from the very start of college must be in want of a finance club.…
The Royal Guard requirements will be strict: each recruit must be under 5’6 in recognition of Columbia’s shortest presidential run. Long live the Baroness! …
In an effort to distance herself from the unpopularly harsh actions taken by the previous president, Interim President Katrina Armstrong has formally offered to score booze for underclassmen if they don’t have…
