JUST IN—Following extensive deliberation and consideration, administrators at Columbia have unveiled a brand-new plan to be even more publicly safe: Public Safety for Public Safety (or, Public-Safety-Squared). The plan comes about following numerous incidents involving Public Safety, in which administrators questioned the safety of Public Safety.
“Think about it: Is it really safe for these guards to be so exposed to the outside world? For some of them, there’s only a small glass barrier between the outside world, and for others, not even that! Of course, when we realized this, we knew something had to be done,” said an administrator who preferred to remain anonymous.
But the plan doesn’t quite end there. According to our anonymous source, Public-Safety-Squared would “obviously not be safe enough either.” So, if all goes according to plan, the administration will also be launching Public Safety for Public Safety for Public Safety. To ensure the utmost safety, the administration has begun working with the Math department to determine
(where s = “safety”, r = “reputation”, and f(d) = money as a function of donations).
Further, the problem has been opened up to all Columbia undergraduates and graduates to solve, with a grand prize of “absolute safety” and “zero freedom or free will” promised to anyone who can crack the formula.
