In an attempt to increase student morale as midterms inevitably destroy it, Columbia has decided to create a haunted house in Low Library. The haunted house will open to the public in two weeks, but since I’m a ghost now—my soul having left my body quite some time ago—I was able to sneak in and give our readers a peek inside.
The first thing that caught my attention was that the Columbia Administration truly hired the scariest people they could think of to run the haunted house: the residents of Morningside Heights. But, if for some reason that isn’t enough for you to scream out of pure terror, the haunted house is also filled with groups of freshmen who take up the entire walkway while walking as slowly as physically possible.
The inside of Low Library was actually not changed much, with the haunted house designers citing that most of Columbia’s buildings were already designed with maximizing student misery in mind. However, they did decide to plaster the walls with the risky texts you sent the person who was way out of your league at 3:00 AM on a Tuesday.
“It’s kinda scary, but my 8:00 AM LitHum class is scarier,” said a student who did a test walk-through of the attraction. “At least in there you don’t run the risk of being cold-called after getting two hours of sleep and all your knowledge of the Odyssey coming from the IMAX screen and Percy Jackson.”
The haunted house designers took this feedback to heart and decided to add a section to the spooky spectacle where a tour group walks by and judges you as you eat a whole Mike’s sub while hungover.
