A staggering new study has confirmed a long-standing concern in the Columbia community—one of these dorky little assholes is, indeed, the next Barack Obama. Columbia’s proud history of accomplished and influential alumni…
Shortly after the Fed famously broke the news of now-ex-President Minouche Shafik’s resignation, Dr. Katrina Armstrong of the Vagelos Medical School was announced as the new President of Columbia University. Now, newly-leaked…
Justice Gorsuch. Neil. Nelly. Dad. There is no easy way for me to put this, so I’m just going to come right out and say it. You have a son. It wasn’t…
Colin, a first-year PoliSci student from Ohio, called his mom to tell her he finally got invited to his first college party! He didn’t even get to the Carman floor nine lounge…
We at The Federalist are proud to announce our first-of-its-kind, exclusive interview with a transgender extraterrestrial from the ❆❅❄ star system.“⟟ ⏃⋔ ⏃ ⏁⍀⏃⋏⌇☌⟒⋏⎅⟒,” it said, admiring the penis fountain near Low.…
After the historic announcement that President Biden will not seek reelection after months of concern regarding his mental state, Democratic Party members shifted to their next elderly target: Columbia’s 114-year-old lion mascot…
After thousands of Columbia students found out via random GroupMe messages that the 2024 campus-wide graduation ceremony had been canceled, university president, Minouche Shafik, threw in the towel and said “fuck it,…
Good news, Columbia! The university has released new event policies that will strengthen our ability to make our voices heard and contribute to ongoing political conversations and in return, all they are…
As the House of Representatives has recently voted to expel George Santos, there has been a swarm of media attention surrounding his future career plans. In a statement made on Friday morning,…
Following a rambunctious Halloween party, Sarah Fitzgerald (CC ‘25) was heard drunkenly joking to a friend how her “Instagram stories will keep [her] out of office forever!” Sarah, who has already gained…
