Have you ever been approached in middle school by Mom and Dad needing to talk to you? Did you have to choose who you loved more in court? Did you think that coming to college would finally be an escape from your hellfire of parental units? Well, strap up because your worst nightmare has just come true! Both of your parents said they wanted to visit you for Family Days, and you failed to talk them out of it! Now, you have little time before the atomic bomb hits, so let us here at The Fed help you face the long road ahead.
- Tell one parent that check-in is at 9:30 AM and tell the other that check-in is at 12:00 PM, no matter what check-in time they received in their emails. Tell them not to pick up the events flyer, because most of the events are just a borefest of panels about Columbia’s liberal arts education and the vast array of resources available to students. Ew.
- Divide your room in half with a curtain directly from the door. Lead one parent to one side of the room and the other to the other side. Tell them that your roommate is sleeping on the other side of the room so they don’t make any noise. Your roommate is actually getting wasted in preparation for Homecoming Weekend, and you’re here shuffling your parents around like airport luggage.
- Waste your swipes by eating two of every meal, one with each parent. When they ask why you’re eating so little for lunch, say that you just started Wegovy. When they tell you that you don’t have diabetes, say “I’ve been dying from the ‘betes for years! You seriously know nothing about me!”
- Don’t take your parents to any of the sports games happening; there’ll be too many people, and you won’t be able to keep track of what they do or where they go.
- Allot some time for yourself, most appropriately in the Butler or Uris stacks, to softly cry about your current situation; this must have been how your parents felt raising a pain in the ass like yourself. You got it from them 🙂
Those are the main rules! Feel free to customize them to your liking. If your dad is really into WWE, dress him up in a Luchador costume, so if your mom sees you with him, she’ll think he’s that guy who throws water bottles with his feet. Or you could hire a hot actor to pretend to be a parent and flirt with your mom all day to eliminate the problem entirely! If none of that works, just let your parents fucking see each other; all there will be is an awkward 10-second silence before they, as mature adults, understand that they love you more than they hate each other. Hopefully.
