Lovers of Mike and Don, rejoice! A new chef is joining Columbia Dining’s coveted rank of “I have my own dining hall that makes one specific type of food exclusively and does not have remotely enough seating to support the student body.” Chef Kyle’s will be designed entirely…

“One month of school has passed, how will I ever finish?” If you’ve been catching yourself thinking this lately, don’t fear! Here are eight tips and tricks to make the semester a bit more bearable: Walk around campus until you catch the eye of one of the seven…

Last year, Chef Mike put my (maternal) grandma into his “Grandma Special” sub sandwich. So when Chef Don opened his pizza joint in Mudd, I started to get a little nervous. Surely another Columbia chef of a new cuisine-specific dining hall would not murder a grandmother and feed…

Earlier this morning, Columbia Housing sent out yet another reminder to undergraduate students about housing registration. “JUST IN CASE YOU’VE BEEN LIVING UNDER A ROCK,” the email began, “THIS IS A HEADS UP THAT YOU MUST FIND A PLACE TO LIVE NEXT YEAR.” The email was the 14th…

Say “Awwww … I remember those days. You’ll get through it. I know I did!” whenever they mention an upcoming interview. It’s so cute to see them dress in their business casual attire—just like you did two months ago! Ask them to hang out whenever there’s a recruiting…

As we say farewell to Lee Bollinger’s legendary 20-year tenure as Columbia’s president, the Federalist is reminiscing on some of Prezbo’s best insights:  “I became concerned that the grids might be misinterpreted.” On freshmen getting lost on the 1 train during NSOP  “Use your ignorance as well as…

When I talked to my Columbia-approved therapist about my seasonal depression, I was expecting to get some sort of validation, information, medication, or even sedation—instead, nothing. No “Well……….. what do you think that means?” No “You can’t control the situation but you can control your reaction.” No sagging…

In a shocking report, the Fed found that all 30,135 members of Columbia’s student body are still unsure of what they should hate about Nemat “Minouche” Shafik, the incoming president of their shared university. “Finally—it’s about time that Columbia had a female president. This is honestly a historic…

Okay, breathe. Be cool. That one cute Barnard girl from Intro Java suggested that “we should grab lunch sometime” and now she actually means it. You’ve been waiting for this. But… oh wait… it’s February 14th. What do you do? Lucky for you, we are experts in the…

After its incredible success in Cafe East, Santander has decided to open a new banking location in the fourth floor bathrooms of McBain Hall. Sandra Burke, spokesperson for Santander, told the Federalist, “We’re always looking for new ways to connect to students. First, we let them withdraw money…

Love is in the air! The Fed wants to help you score a public makeout sesh worthy of making every unlucky student in a .2 mile radius retch, so we’ve created a comprehensive gift guide that spans not one, not two, but all four undergraduate colleges!  DISCLAIMERS: The…

The holiday season is known for heralding wonderful surprises: twinkly lights, overcooked ham, your 84-year-old grandma’s decision to redecorate your childhood bedroom while you’re asleep on the couch. But our collective immunity to once-mild viruses and diseases has reduced in the face of COVID-19, bringing a new set…

Roses are red, Violets are blue, I’ll be at the penis fountain on February 14th, Will you?

The stunning grand opening of Chef Don’s Pizza Pi, the newest dining hall on campus, has had students buzzing with excitement. Thoughtfully dubbed with a mathematical pun strategically generated to lure in engineering students who are entranced by the juxtaposition of STEM words with food words, the dining…

Everyone’s been there. You had a great, engaging conversation with the person sitting right by you in a class. You may have talked about your apprehensions about the class, the other person’s major, or even how you broke up with your ex-boyfriend because he was cheating on you…

So, the Battle of the Bands happened last Thursday. The student body chose one of Columbus’s most talented musicians to open for what we all know will be some D-list celebrity. I would have been there too, had the Bacchanal organizing committee not said my act was “not…

There’s something I have needed to get off my chest for a while. I have been haunted by my past for far too long, so it’s time to come clean. I am an athlete. I was born an athlete. I have been an athlete since the womb, and…

LOW LIBRARY—We have just received word from Buckingham Palace that during her reign as Columbia University President, the Honorable Baroness Nemat Talaat “Minouche” Shafik will continue to proudly serve her duty as a crossbencher in the House of Lords and reassert the United Kingdom’s status and influence. As…

Dear Blue and White, Let’s kiss.  We’d just be so powerful together. Think about it; a two-color undergraduate magazine that’s old as shit, and a sexy, politically reformed, totally honest newspaper touching paper tips to take on the University, our rivals, and anyone who dares to stand in…

“They say blood runs thicker than sauce… but for my brother Mike, that sauce wasn’t marinara; it was Italian dressing.” -Chef Don To understand the shocking—yet unreported—schism in the Columbia Dining community, we need to travel back through decades across land and sea to the quiet Italian countryside….