A stunning new survey of Columbia’s current undergraduate population reveals that the vast majority were unable to name the current President. Lee Bollinger – 1% Minouche Shafik – 7% Claire Shipman –…
In the perilous depths and plateaus of despair that have mired campus, the strong and effervescent Columbia Women’s Basketball team has risen above the rest to deliver unto us holy victory. The…
Addressing housing and overpopulation concerns, newly crowned President Jennifer Mnookin has announced a new plan to halve the total student population, either across the stomach or “right down the middle.” Half of…
Polly Tickl, managing editor of Columbia’s premier journal for review of politics, was proud and honored to be called forth when a man collapsed on the ground after complaining of chest pains. …
Another mystery of faith solved! Through divine revelation, God has delivered to Pope Leo XIV new Catholic doctrine: the true second coming of Christ is inside those dining hall vending machines, within…
Final (and most important!) step: Never talk to them again and avoid eye contact in the elevator. Thankfully, your mom would love to do lunch!…
