On Campus Four Freshmen Girls Killed in Group Housing Selection Incident by Isobel Shaffer March 20, 2018November 5, 2021 “I WILL NOT LIVE IN MCBAIN, KATHERINE, I DON’T CARE WHERE YOUR BOYFRIEND’S SUITE IS.”…
World Report: Aunt Vapes Now by The Feditorial Board March 17, 2018November 5, 2021 "She came over this break and, I swear to God, was just ripping some of the fattest clouds I'd ever seen."…
On Campus Student Reconnects with Estranged Father on LinkedIn by Ben Greenspan March 7, 2018November 5, 2021 "Hey Dad, it's me - Brian. Would you potentially be free later this week for a coffee chat?"…
World Analysis: Is America Ready for a Gay Inspector Gadget? by Harrison Gale March 5, 2018November 5, 2021 "What does it mean to be a police officer with thousands of devices installed in your body to assist in fighting crime when you also like dudes?"…
On Campus Deantini Tries Boarding Plane with Emotional Support Furry by The Feditorial Board March 5, 2018November 5, 2021 "His name is Poncho Firedust, and I need him to feel safe," demanded the 67-year-old chemistry professor.…
On Campus Admissions Fluke: They Let in Frank by Jackson Watson March 1, 2018November 5, 2021 “Admitting Frank into the undergraduate body goes against this university's principles. That kid fucking sucks.”…
On Campus Charlie and the Financial Aid Office by Mimi Evans February 25, 2018November 5, 2021 Joe began to laugh. “Who is Willy Valentini? Only the Dean of Columbia, the mad genius who keeps this whole place running!"…
On Campus Senior Voted “Life of the Party” Found Dead Outside Party by Anonymous February 19, 2018November 5, 2021 According to witnesses, the last words he uttered before chugging his sixth Bud Light and stumbling out the door were, “Imma bout to send it.”…
World Wayne LaPierre Just Wants to Enjoy Valentine’s Dinner with AR-15 in Peace by Ben Greenspan February 14, 2018November 5, 2021 "Jesus, no I don't have any comment on what happened in Florida. Can't you see I'm busy here?"…
World Cross Country Skier Going Uphill Feels Rather Silly by Ben Greenspan February 12, 2018November 5, 2021 "Jeez, I bet I look pretty ridiculous right about now." …
Opinion Op-Ed: My Shoelaces Aren’t The Same Length (And Other Problems We Need To Talk About) by Julian Pecht February 12, 2018November 5, 2021 "Also, impending North Korean nuclear annihilation."…
Opinion Letter from the Feditors: On Childhood Regrets by Ben Greenspan and Thomas Germain February 10, 2018November 5, 2021 "We wish that we had not framed our Tamagotchi as an accessory to a triple homicide so as to relieve ourselves of the responsibilities of parenthood."…