Super Bowl Provides Easy Excuse as to Why You’re Not Getting Any This Valentine’s Day

I was supposed to be getting rammed, not hearing about the Rams!

The Super Bowl’s unfortunate scheduling for the day before Valentine’s Day is DEFINITELY the reason your date canceled on you. We go to Columbia—it’s a football school for crying out loud! It makes perfect sense that they stayed up too late drinking, woke up with a miserable hangover and sadness in their heart for the losing team, and texted you at 9:45 PM that they couldn’t meet you at Mel’s at 10:00 PM. 

No, no, don’t overthink it. It’s definitely the Super Bowl’s fault; if it hadn’t been for this fateful game, you would’ve been on a hot date with the person from your CC class who pity-followed you on Instagram after you brought up the fact that they never followed you back. This is uncharacteristic of them. They would never cancel—well, except for that one time last week. 

The stupid Super Bowl. Now, you have to delete those 12 minutes you blocked out in your GCal for a night of pure lust and passion, return the condoms that are now collecting dust back to the bowl in the Health Center, and buy chocolates from CVS after they go on sale on February 15. 

It’s fine. The Super Bowl isn’t the same day every year, so you’ll for SURE be getting some on Valentine’s Day next year.