Columbia's Only Newspaper With an "A" Energy Efficiency Rating

  • Latest Issue
  • Join The Cult
  • About
    • About
    • Masthead
    • Contact Us
  • On Campus
  • Politics
  • Opinion
  • Arts and Culture
  • Food and Drink
  • Advice

Julian Gerber

On Campus

Man Defending Himself to Girlfriend: ‘The Tree Lighting Came Early Too!’

by Julian Gerber
December 6, 2022December 6, 2022

“But babe, it happens to the best of us. Just look at the trees,” said Jacob Simmons, CC ’23, to his girlfriend Carly Biels, CC ’23. This year’s tree lighting, which took…

New York City/On Campus/Science and Technology

What Is the Largest Animal You Would Kill if the Federalist Told You It Was Invasive?

by Julian Gerber
November 28, 2022November 28, 2022

The spotted lanternfly has been public enemy number one for Columbia students ever since multiple state governments put a hit out on it. Dozens of lanternfly corpses now litter the streets in…

On Campus

Carman Renamed ‘Charmin’ After 50,000 Toilet Paper Rolls Donated to Columbia

by Julian Gerber
October 18, 2022October 18, 2022

Carman Hall, the infamous “party” dorm for Columbia first-years, is seeing a major shake-up after the Charmin Ultra Soft family donated 50,000 toilet paper rolls to the university. Shayna Mikowski, a spokesperson…

Barnard/On Campus

Penis Fountains Must Shut Off at 8 PM in Accordance with Barnard Guest Policy

by Julian Gerber
September 15, 2022September 15, 2022

Barnard’s guest policy has reached draconian heights with the requirement that the “penis fountains” that adorn Low steps must be turned off past 8 PM. Barnard Dean Leslie Grinage wrote to students,…

On Campus

Op-ed: I Want To Be the Hot, Mysterious TA, But My Students Just Keep Asking Me When My Office Hours Are

by Julian Gerber
March 4, 2022March 3, 2022

I’m a senior in CC, and I was really looking forward to being the TA for General Chemistry this semester. I’ve always wanted to be that TA that everyone crushes on, but…

On Campus

Columbia Announces “First Two Weeks after First Two Weeks of Semester to Be Held Online”

by Julian Gerber
January 25, 2022January 25, 2022

Following the announcement that the first two weeks of classes would be held online, provost Mary Boyce has officially announced that the following two weeks will also be virtual. When asked about…

On Campus

Op-Ed: Not Enough People Here Know I Was My High School’s Valedictorian

by Julian Gerber
December 20, 2021December 19, 2021

I’m a month into my first year at Columbia, and, needless to say, the transition has been tough. Almost no one in my classes knows that I was the class of 2021…

New York City/On Campus

MTA Blindsided by Totally Unexpected Tropical Storm Third Week in a Row

by Julian Gerber
September 15, 2021October 26, 2021

“I mean, how were we supposed to know Hurricane Ida would flood the subways?” exclaimed Transportation Commissioner Harold Gutman, a week after the subways were flooded by Hurricane Henri. …

Arts and Culture

Top 5 Seinfeld Episodes That Will Make You Say “Wait, This Isn’t Westworld”

by Julian Gerber
March 17, 2021August 17, 2021

When Jerry and Kramer switch rooms, it causes a whole bunch of trouble for the gang! But this trouble still isn’t anywhere close to the lifelike robots that rebel against their creators…

Politics

TRUMP NUKES PENNSYLVANIA: “Let’s see these motherfuckers count ballots now!”

by Julian Gerber
November 5, 2020September 8, 2021

Trump campaign manager Bill Stepien told The Federalist: “We believe in a fair election, which is why we let Pennsylvania count ballots for a whopping 40 hours before completely obliterating them.”…

1 2 Next

© 2022 – all rights reserved.

  • Home
  • About
  • Masthead

Get In Touch

  • Contact Us
  • Join The Cult
  • Home
  • About
  • Join The Cult
  • Masthead
  • Contact Us
  • Read
    • Latest Issue
    • On Campus
    • Politics
    • Opinion
    • Arts and Culture
    • Food and Drink
    • Advice
  • Play
    • The Crossword