LERNER 569 (nice) — A survey of attendees at last Sunday’s Federalist meeting has revealed a surprising trend in the highly esteemed paper’s writers. Noticing dwindling attendance numbers, Supreme Overlords Gustie and Nikhil anonymously polled students as they exited the meeting after 15 minutes to go to a funnier campus group’s rehearsal and discovered that would-be reporters and writers were only still going to Fed to bitch about minor annoyances of life at Columbia.
One attendee was quoted as saying, “Yeah, I went to the first few meetings excited to share my ideas and get to know some people, but now I’m way too busy to write any one-paragraph-or-less articles. So I just go to lay out all my grievances of the week under the guise of pitching. Look, therapy is expensive, and I don’t have spare cash laying around to Venmo my friends to listen to me. Fed is free.” Another confessed, “To be honest, I hate Hewitt, but I also hate walking all the way to John Jay. Everyone around me is sick of hearing about it and says I shouldn’t be so negative all the time, so I just go to Fed and really let it all out, and no one calls me negative cause, you know, it’s comedy.”
Fed would like to make it clear that we accept meeting attendees with any and all ulterior motives for attending.