In an executive decision from the Columbia and Barnard Dining collective, following a slew of feedback from hungry, hungry students, every dining hall on campus will be offering polenta on every day of every year until the day you graduate. Students rejoiced all around campus when hearing the news, expressing gratitude for dining halls finally considering their needs. “WE LOVE POLENTA,” screamed many students in unison. “More polenta, more polenta!” chanted dozens of students while rhythmically banging utensils on the table.
The wet (yet also dry?), versatile dish made from boiled cornmeal has health benefits such as supporting immune function and heart health. Not only will polenta be served at the dining halls, but it will also be inside vending machines around campus. There will be additional wall-space knocked down surrounding the vending machines in anticipation of the crowding that will be sure to occur with the new polenta stock. “We anticipate that most borgs at Bacchanal will be filled with polenta,” one Columbia Administrator told Spectador. Ahead of the end-of-semester festivities, fresh, powdered polenta will be available for preorder in Columbia-branded baggies at the bookstore. “We just can’t get enough,” said one exuberant student. “More. MORE. MOREEE,” screamed the line of students surrounding the polenta vending machine. With sweat beading around his bloodshot eyes, the Columbia Dining representative explained, “We will serve polenta everywhere, everyday, all the time, on every menu, until the day you die.”
