Cockroach in Wallach Student’s Dorm Only Real Source of Friendship, Camaraderie

Graphic by Olivia Ruble

Lonely Wallach freshman Geoffrey Johnson reports feeling relief to have finally found friendship in a renegade cockroach living in his room. 

The student had struggled to make friends in his first semester because of both social anxiety and trauma from living through a deadly pandemic. 

Fortunately, when he returned to campus after break his dorm had a new resident: Walter, a three-inch cockroach. After bonding over their mutual love of week-old sandwiches, they quickly became best friends.

Like Linguini and Remy, like Pinnochio and Jiminy Cricket, like Vanessa Bloome and Barry B. Benson, the two have found a beautiful friendship and appreciation of each other. Walter is not only his friend, but a partner in life, who helps guide him through thick and thin.

“Walter has helped me so much this semester, I don’t think I would have gotten through zoom classes alone in my room without him.” 

The two have become so close that they often go out together for the classic Columbia bonding experiences. They go to Mel’s together, ride the Staten Island Ferry, and Walter even called Cava for Geoffrey when he needed his stomach pumped. 

“My roof is collapsing, my window is broken, and my desk has two legs missing, but if I report it to Housing there’s a real chance they’ll get rid of Walter! In the second semester of freshman year, that’s a social risk I just can’t take.” 

Upon further investigation by Fed staff, it was discovered that Walter was not actually a single cockroach, but an entire infestation of 300 cockroaches. It seems that the cockroaches are sick  of Geoffrey’s vacant personality and agreed to take turns hanging out with him in the name of collective self care. We reached out to the infestation for comment, but did not receive a response.

Geoffrey was last seen attempting to hide Walter inside the wiring of a Wallach laundry machine, which rapidly began sparking in disrepair.