Happy Holidays! This is Santa, sending out a mass dispatch to all your little munchkins — naughty and nice — around the globe. We at the North Pole get a lot of…
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In a recent announcement this week, the Presidential Search Committee shared that…
Dear Professor [NAME], I hope this email finds you well. I, unfortunately,…
In response to the December 5th, 2025 trespass on Barnard’s 616 residence…
After dismounting from their camels and waiting in a gaggle of Barnard students, the three wise men finally reached the East Campus front desk. Fortunately, Joey, an EC resident, agreed to sign…
As of this morning, Columbia Safety has warned students about ICE on Columbia’s Morningside Campus. Students are advised to avoid their biting tactics such as tricking students in poorly lit places about…
As a child, I interpreted the novel From the Mixed-Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler as my Bible and studied the Night at the Museum movie as if they were my…
In a new report coming out from the Columbia Economics Department, Professor Monet Talks demonstrates that the Lerner revolving door on 115th Street is a site of the prisoner’s dilemma, a cornerstone…
TRAGIC — A recent investigation by The Fed has revealed the emotionally devastating story of a Philadelphia-born Columbia student. This poor young man was left in a five-day lobotomized state of shock…
“Welcome to campus!” they say with a smile, taking off your coat as they roll out the red carpet. One member of the committee brings you a hot cup of coffee while…
As an exciting new season approaches, beloved coffee chain Joe Coffee has decided to venture into innovative new corners of the coffee business. Instead of their usual winter menu items, they have…
We all know the infamous Butler Library architrave—engraved with the names of dead, white dudes who chiseled the literary canon and the “examination of the human condition” into what it is today,…
In a move intended to provide jobs to those most in need, mayor-elect Zohran Mamdani has announced that he will be hiring Republican nominee Curtis Sliwa as the city’s Crazy Uncle, and…
Santa Claus has recently been accused by United Elf Workers, one of the North Pole’s largest labor unions, of threatening to cut the wages and benefits of elves disseminating union related material…
On the 6th floor of Butler, not too far to the East or too far to the West, there’s a study room more special than all of the rest. 601, or Little…
More than 400 Columbia students enter the hallowed halls of Chef Mike’s each day. And at least one of them has asked, “where does my ham come from?” Well, with the launch…
