I’m not smart, I just have Seasonal Affective Disorder. That white square on my wall is not a boarding school diploma, it’s a lightbox. When I’m sad, the light gets brighter, but…
MORNINGSIDE, NY – On Wednesday, December 8, Freshman Sam Brown was confused by what was taking the Ferris Lunch line so long. “I was just trying to get my grilled cheese on,”…
Last Monday, graduate student Matt Owens asked his Contemporary Civilizations section to write a 300-word discussion post about Aristotle’s theory of happiness, due on Wednesday at 11:59 pm. Katie Benson (CC’24) submitted…
Fresh off of landmark careers of blocking, stalling, and haggling their way to the front of the national stage, Senators Joe Manchin and Kyrsten Sinema have become Columbia University’s newest hires. “We…
In a graphic and obscene display, workers removed the scaffolding on the southwest corner of 115th Street and Broadway, leaving Morton Williams Supermarket, an apartment complex, and Ivy League Stationers indecently exposed.…
Cut your dick off CUT YOUR DICK OFF CUT YOUR DICK OFF CUT YOUR DICK OFF CUT YOUR DICK OFF Go to church Thanksgiving Issue, November 2021…
Friends from NSOP One ReopenCU daily attestation SSOL’s downtime during course registration Your 8:40am lecture Your student debt The bedsheets that you haven’t washed since your mom made your bed in August …
“I’m the co-president of X club!” Just replace X with the name of any former president and talk about how you initiate campus-wide discussions on hot-button issues. Make it sound super impressive…
Sorry Prezbo, but I’m Prezhoe. I’m 8,500 cubic feet of powerful sexual energy, a big Barnard Baddie. I’m an inflatable Snoopy balloon looking for my Red Baron. Show up at 5:00 am…
I am a happy Turkey so happy I am Alive. Life is good. I have found myself. I have manifested good life. I think not of death. Everything sparks joy Farmer gives…
After many years of advocating for animal rights, PETA has apparently “given up.” The organization posted on all of their social media accounts “Go nuts,” accompanied by a graphic of a cartoon…
"I can't do this any longer," Gradis confessed tearfully. "I have to pretend I understand what's happening in this class for the whole semester? Are you kidding? I'm an Econ major." …
