Writing that the new program would help ensure “peace in our time,” President Shafik Armstrong Shipman touted the new announcement as a fresh direction for Columbia. Citing recent pressure from the Trump administration, the president’s office explained that the new school would mint the next generation of leaders. The recently-released class list for the School of Appeasement includes offerings like “Prioritizing Your Values: How to Get Ahead and Stay Ahead,” “At The Negotiation Table: How to Give It All and Get What You Want,” and “How to Formulate Plan C when You’re Walking Away From Plan B.” Officials within the president’s office indicated they were pleased with the class line-up, but were willing to offer more classes if students asked forcefully enough.
According to unnamed sources, the Neville Chamberlain School of Appeasement—set to open on the business campus in 2025—is expected to target a wide variety of students in an attempt to offset some of the University’s recent financial hardships. A high-ranking Columbia administrator, who asked to remain anonymous due to a previous “group chat fiasco,” stated that, “Sure, losing all of our NIH grants was difficult, but once we get a graduating class or two, our university will finally have some leaders we can turn to for advice.”
