Amid the breaking news that the Dire Wolf was resurrected by biotechnology after 10,000 years of extinction, Columbia University recently announced the Department of Genetics’s plans to resurrect their own long-dead pop culture icon Alexander Hamilton. Should this task be successfully completed, the institution’s funding cuts will be restored by the US government, per an agreement reached in early April. The government believes that successfully reviving a historical American figure would increase nationalistic pride during these tumultuous times.
One of Columbia’s most notable dropouts, Alexander Hamilton organized the country’s first banking system and, centuries later, would become the star and inspiration of the Broadway musical Hamilton.
“We need that $400 million back, so we’re not throwing away our shot.” Gene Attell, lead scientist of the project, told the Fed. “We’re excited for Mr. Hamilton’s return. In the 21st century, there’s a million things he hasn’t done—but just you wait.”
Ecstatic scientists, historians, and theater kids followed a Columbia laboratory truck as it retrieved Hamilton’s remains from his grave at Trinity Church. The project is highly confidential and limited information has been released to the public. However, many Hamil-fans have been reportedly camping outside of Mudd, eagerly waiting for the moment when the confused Founding Father stumbles out of his alma mater’s science lab.
Some fans, however, are calling for more historical figures represented in Hamilton to be resurrected, particularly American statesman John Laurens. When asked for comment, one excited fan said, “I need my #Lams agenda to finally be canon.”
Other fans want Thomas Jefferson to be resurrected next, expressing their desire to give him a hand-sewn Miku binder.
