Recently, the brothers of Phi Nu have been struggling to sell tickets to their formal (Gossip Girl themed for the 27th time in a row) due to their questionable reputation on campus. As a last-ditch effort to improve their image, the chairs of Phi Nu—Nicky, Ricky, and Dicky—decided to adopt a golden retriever. After declaring the dog “a Bradley for SURE dude,” the brothers debuted the canine with a game of fetch on the Butler lawns.
Attention began slowly, a cooing “awww, that puppy’s nice” and a little “oh that dog’s cute!” But within Bradley’s first week on campus, he’d already charmed most of the population. By the end of the first month, crowds of attractive, eligible, young women would appear within minutes of a reported Bradley sighting. Nicky, Ricky, and Dicky considered this a huge success.
However, problems began to emerge. When a cute girl tried to feed Bradley a piece of her chocolate chip muffin, chaos erupted. “It was NOT cool man,” said Nicky. “We’re all about health and wellness here at Phi Nu, so obviously Bradley only eats A5 Wagyu cuts. We don’t let him have any of that awful chocolate stuff.”
In another instance when the boys were walking Bradley past Butler, a GS student almost ashed her cigarette on his tail. Needless to say, the boys were upset. “It totally opened our eyes to how little people know about animal welfare,” Dicky said. “People don’t think about how much work it takes to make sure your pet lives a healthy and happy life on campus. Like to be really engaged with your pet, we walk Bradley four times a day, and have a rotating chore chart for who’s doing enrichment activities that week.” These enrichment activities are rumored to include training Bradley to go up and sniff girls who wear Edikted.
In response to the incident, along with other animal care concerns, Phi Nu announced their Gossip Girl formal would now be a fundraiser for PETA, encouraging all students on campus to increase their awareness on animal welfare. However, in order to formalize the partnership, PETA forces all brothers of Phi Nu to go vegan and give up their carnivorian diet.
