“I never thought I’d get this far,” admitted the fabled “Broadway arsonist” this morning after finally succeeding in burning down Broadway Hall. The infamous arsonist is known for awaking every Broadway resident in the middle of the night with his failed attempts to ignite the building. Each endeavor ended with despair, triggered fire alarms, and rudely roused hundreds of angry students. However, during his eleventh go, he seems to have finally pulled it off. It took a few days for the community to sober up from the Broadway-smoke-infused high and grapple with what had gone down. After a spotlight in the Columbia Sundial and receiving a ban notice from multiple music festivals, the arsonist knew he had made the big leagues. Yet the path of glory he imagined his accomplishment would spark hasn’t come to fruition as he faces his greatest challenge yet: navigating the NYC real estate market.
“What the hell is a security deposit? What do they think I’m gonna do, burn down the apartment?”
