At first glance, Billy Multitasker appears to be a machine, a man on a mission. He’s got an eight-monitor set-up in Butler and shushed the stupid beta cuckold asking around the library for a pen five times. He has a full stand-up desk he spent an hour assembling with diesel power tools in the third floor reading room. His toes are wiggling around on a purple yoga mat he unrolled on the floor, as he likes to “let those puppies breathe a little” since it “helps him focus.” When Multitasker needs to take a productive break, he enjoys “grooming the dogs a little” with a pair of rusty toenail clippers he keeps tucked behind his left ear. He wears two pairs of blue light glasses, which he often licks clean, “to prevent headaches.”
The average mind would imagine his fingers flying on his keyboard like a Carnegie Hall pianist, yet there lies a dark secret behind his Zyn-packed lips and black coffee-stained yellow teeth: he is actually watching Instagram Reels, just like everyone else. Yep, that’s right. Multitasker’s eight-monitor setup is actually just an effort to optimize three tabs of Reels, one tab of Subway Surfers gameplay, one full-screen Spotify page (Straight Opium playlist, of course), split-screen Facebook shorts and TikToks, and an inactive Courseworks tabs full-screened, just for the fucking thrill of it.
When Multitasker was asked for comment on his work style by The Fed, he just glared at our reporter. When our reporter asked again, he just spat in their face with a curt “bitch.” Further investigation by The Fed found that Multitasker actually graduated Columbia a few years ago, but often returns to campus because he enjoys being aggressive to people in the library. Three Adderall later, it is thought that Billy had successfully consumed the entirety of the Internet while enjoying a week-old tuna salad sandwich.
