In response to the December 5th, 2025 trespass on Barnard’s 616 residence hall, the CARES Community Safety team appointed a new Security Chief Alpha, 6’3 former-CEO Hugh G. Thruster. Recent survey reports…
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In the wake of myriad changes to the government and general functioning…
Following his unprecedented loss in the New York City mayoral election, Republican…
Can’t bear the lunchtime chaos? Skip the line and buy a table…
As the semester has entered its waning days, the Columbia administration has announced a bold new policy that will condense finals week into a “finals day.” The statement read as follows: “It…
As the House of Representatives has recently voted to expel George Santos, there has been a swarm of media attention surrounding his future career plans. In a statement made on Friday morning,…
After the annual mass posting of Spotify Wrapped on Instagram stories, some users found that their top genre was a niche by the name of “POV: indie”. These users, who have never…
Hi! It’s your Spotify Wrapped here! I just wanted to let you know that you (yes, you!) have the worst music taste out of pretty much every person who uses this app.…
It has been a month since I joined the Columbia community, yet the discomfort of the hard reality that no one discusses still breaks my heart. The complete void of furry identities.…
NYC Faces City-Wide Shortage of Barefoot Moscato due to Unprecedented Spike in Friendsgiving Parties
Cheap wine-lovers, we’ve got bad news for you! Barefoot Moscato, the fake wine snob’s favorite wine, is sold out across New York City. Beverage Economists are tracing this scandal to the city’s…
It’s a recent phenomenon, Friendsgiving. Much like the famed and corporatized “Galentine’s Day,” Friendsgiving has become another holiday about celebrating your found family: getting together with your closest pals, cooking a hearty…
Move over NYPD, the trolls are here! In response to increasing political tensions on campus, the colleges of Columbia University have introduced a magical new system to regulate gate traffic. The regulation…
Diva down! A newly unearthed report reveals that in addition to Botox, Sephora, and OnlyFans, Representative George Santos used official campaign funds to sponsor the 2023 Barnard Big Sub Day. When questioned…
With the growing popularity of Columbia’s newest dining option, Fac Shack, Columbia dining legend Chef Mike recently decided to open up the ‘Chef Mike Bike’ right next door. Enraged by the number…
According to sources at Uris Library, seventeen different students were seen entering a private study room to claim it as their own. Reportedly, each student made a claim that they reserved it…
All humanities classes are in Hamilton, you idiot STEM major. Actually, some of them were bi. My thesis on Nietzschean abstraction will serve me well when I am Columbia’s first Baton Rouge-based…
