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Oliver Green

Advice/Pop Culture

Top 5 Spookiest Columbia Halloween Costumes

by Oliver Green
October 30, 2023October 29, 2023

Need a spooky Columbia-themed Halloween costume? The Fed has got you covered this year with our top five spookiest costumes for this halloween season at Columbia. Dress up as PrezBo’s ghost! That’ll…

Arts and Culture/On Campus

President Shafik Attends Carman Halloween Party, Immediately Resigns

by Oliver Green
October 29, 2023October 29, 2023

New rumors are beginning to circulate that Columbia’s 20th president, Minouche Shafik, has resigned after a brief appearance at a Halloween party on Carman floor 7. Reports say that Shafik decided to…

Food and Drink

“Why Won’t He Play Hard to Get?”–Love Affair With JJ’s Place Dwindles After Introduction of 24-Hour Dining

by Oliver Green
October 9, 2023October 10, 2023

Ever since my freshman year, I’ve had a special romance with JJ’s Place. In all my times of direst need, I was able to head down there, sweat my head off in…

On Campus/Sports

Capitalizing on the Silent Disco’s Popularity, Football Team Boasts that Their Games are Silent Too

by Oliver Green
October 9, 2023October 12, 2023

After seeing the enormous crowds of students eager to join the Silent Disco event on Low Steps earlier this semester, the Columbia Football team has boldly proclaimed that their last game was…

Food and Drink/On Campus

In Effort to Expand Food Options, Columbia Frantically Unveils 58 New Dining Halls

by Oliver Green
October 9, 2023October 10, 2023

As part of a new movement towards more on-campus dining options, Columbia has decided to open 58 new dining halls. While many thought the Fac Shack would be the last addition to…

Arts and Culture/Breaking/Breaking News

Inauguration Pushed to Friday after Chef Don and Chef Mike’s Opening Act Play, Of Meatballs and Men, Runs Long

by Oliver Green
October 3, 2023October 3, 2023

When a crowd gathered around Low Steps on Wednesday to watch the once-in-a-decade inauguration of a new Columbia president, many were at first confused why she stood waiting in the wings. At…

Breaking/Breaking News/Food and Drink

Rabbinical Council of America Rules Eating at John Jay is Sufficient Repentance for Yom Kippur, Fasting Not Required

by Oliver Green
September 25, 2023September 25, 2023

BREAKING – Jewish students at Columbia on this autumn morning to discover a new Yom Kippur rule passed by the Rabbinical Council of America. “After consulting a long lost, ancient printing of…

On Campus/Opinion

I Love Everything About My New Roommate Except For The Fact That He’s a Chimpanzee Wearing Sunglasses

by Oliver Green
September 24, 2023September 24, 2023

I’ve heard a lot of roommate horror stories over the years, but this isn’t one of them. My roommate is nice, quiet, respectful of my personal space, and he keeps the dorm…

Breaking News/On Campus

Columbia’s Popular Abbreviation “Clumb” to Become University’s Official Name

by Oliver Green
April 16, 2023April 10, 2023

According to a leaked press release, it appears that Columbia is finally following suit in the time honored New York trend of shortening names. Starting in Fall 2023, Columbia University will be…

On Campus/Opinion

Dear Fed: I’m in Love With the Thinker

by Oliver Green
February 14, 2023February 14, 2023

Dear Fed, I think I might be in love with the Thinker. Hear me out. I was walking out of my Metaphysical Erotics in Aristotelean Constructs class one day when I was…

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