Rejoice! Former University President Lee C. Bollinger has announced that in the spirit of Easter, he is resurrecting his presidency. When representatives from The Fed asked Prezbo about this radical move, he…
Oh, hi! Good afternoon! Wait, it’s only 11:45? The days just seem so much longer and fuller now. You know, because of my 8:40 class, of course! Golly, I just never realized…
Letter to the Feditor: Help! I Went to My Suburban Michael’s Store and Now I Can’t Get Out!
Dear Fed, 2024 was gonna be MY year. My year to learn how to crochet little tops like all the cool girls on campus, that is. So as part of my New…
New Report Shows Rep. George Santos Also Used Campaign Funds to Sponsor Barnard Big Sub Day
Diva down! A newly unearthed report reveals that in addition to Botox, Sephora, and OnlyFans, Representative George Santos used official campaign funds to sponsor the 2023 Barnard Big Sub Day. When questioned…
In its latest daring measure to establish sub supremacy over the New York metro area, Columbia Dining has sued the State of New Jersey to obtain complete ownership of the phrase “Mike’s…
Out from the closet when it covers me, Black as the pit from pole to pole, I thank whichever coat may be For the unconquerable cold. In the fell clutch of feathers…
Listen here, Columbia. These puny little Christmas string lights ain’t cutting it. When you say you’re lighting the trees, I expect them to be awash with light. Dazzlingly bright, some may even…
This Is Just to Say I have eaten the Canada Goose that was in your closet…
Bring Christmas lights on the train and decorate your own car. Treat the subway like your own personal vehicle; they’re called subway cars for a reason. Decorate your dorm to look like…