Oh, you were at Brooklyn Mirage (pre-serial killer, obvs) bouncing around in a white tank with no bra on? That’s cool. I was trying to catch the B up to Times Square/42nd…
It is a truth universally acknowledged that any future Columbia millionaires and billionaires hoping to secure a job from the very start of college must be in want of a finance club.…
To all my wanton degenerates of Barnumbia, If you have felt a complete lack of vim, vigor, sex appeal, or any other ~lustful~ emotions since returning to campus, have no fear: I,…
Rejoice! Former University President Lee C. Bollinger has announced that in the spirit of Easter, he is resurrecting his presidency. When representatives from The Fed asked Prezbo about this radical move, he…
Oh, hi! Good afternoon! Wait, it’s only 11:45? The days just seem so much longer and fuller now. You know, because of my 8:40 class, of course! Golly, I just never realized…
Dear Fed, 2024 was gonna be MY year. My year to learn how to crochet little tops like all the cool girls on campus, that is. So as part of my New…
Diva down! A newly unearthed report reveals that in addition to Botox, Sephora, and OnlyFans, Representative George Santos used official campaign funds to sponsor the 2023 Barnard Big Sub Day. When questioned…
In its latest daring measure to establish sub supremacy over the New York metro area, Columbia Dining has sued the State of New Jersey to obtain complete ownership of the phrase “Mike’s…
Out from the closet when it covers me, Black as the pit from pole to pole, I thank whichever coat may be For the unconquerable cold. In the fell clutch of feathers…
Listen here, Columbia. These puny little Christmas string lights ain’t cutting it. When you say you’re lighting the trees, I expect them to be awash with light. Dazzlingly bright, some may even…
