Happy Holidays! This is Santa, sending out a mass dispatch to all your little munchkins — naughty and nice — around the globe. We at the North Pole get a lot of…
Continue Reading »
In a recent announcement this week, the Presidential Search Committee shared that…
Dear Professor [NAME], I hope this email finds you well. I, unfortunately,…
In response to the December 5th, 2025 trespass on Barnard’s 616 residence…
For decades, the NORAD Santa Tracker has embodied the transparency and honesty of the United States government. Initially, I believed that the tracker’s democratic access to modern military technology, used to follow…
When I found a pair of wire-framed glasses on the floor of JJ’s last Thursday night, I knew I was about to deceive you bitches. When I pressed my thumb against those…
On the twelfth day of Christmas my situationship gave to me: Twelve IDs tapping, Eleven JJs nuggets, Ten football losses, Nine discussion posts, Eight Kingsmen singing, Seven frat parties, Six baddies fumbled,…
Another mystery of faith solved! Through divine revelation, God has delivered to Pope Leo XIV new Catholic doctrine: the true second coming of Christ is inside those dining hall vending machines, within…
With the holiday season quickly approaching, students and faculty alike are all getting ready to take a step back from work or school in order to have time with our loved ones…
In a shocking divulgence this Saturday, a man wearing exclusively clothing branded with the Columbia wrestling logo revealed that he indeed wrestles for Columbia. “I’m actually on the wrestling team,” said freshman…
On election night, New Yorkers rejoiced in the victory of Democratic candidate Zohran Mamdani as the city’s next mayor-elect. After the terror of Andrew Cuomo’s gubernatorial reign and former mayor Eric Adams’…
It’s no secret that Columbia security has a stick up their ass. If you’re a resident of New York trying to bring your baby onto campus to touch some grass, or a…
I truly can’t wait for my suite’s traditional Secret Santa. My roommates and I do it all together every year: drinking hot cocoa, playing Mariah Carey on vinyl, and exchanging presents to…
Can’t bear the lunchtime chaos? Skip the line and buy a table instead! Inspired by the hottest NYC clubs, Ferris now offers advance table reservations for you and up to five of…
Following his unprecedented loss in the New York City mayoral election, Republican nominee and local icon Curtis Sliwa has announced his next venture: serving as a nude model for Columbia University art…
In the wake of myriad changes to the government and general functioning of the nation made by the Trump Administration, President Donald Trump has announced a modification to the fifty-star American flag,…
