In response to the illegal abduction of a student by the Department of Homeland Security on Monday morning, President Shipman released revised guidelines for Columbia Residential staff and Public Safety officers. Among the new parameters are reminders that residential staff should “avoid napping on the job, unless [they] just had a warm glass of milk, in which case it is completely acceptable” and that Public Safety should “spit in the face of any guest without a QR code,” contrary to the policy of “pissing their pants when actual law enforcement official shows up.”
The most notable of these guideline changes is additional restrictions on the movement of immigration enforcement agents on Columbia’s campus. Up until yesterday, ICE agents were free to enter whichever building they wished upon receiving a kiss on the cheek and a slap on the butt from a residential staff member. Now, however, ICE agents wishing to illegally kidnap a member of the Columbia community will be required to “guess the secret password.” Agents who guess the password on the first try will receive a bonus abduction and receive a key to unlock whichever student’s dorm they wish.
With these new policies in place, The Fed conducted some observations of ICE activity on campus. An ICE agent attempted to enter Ruggles dormitory and was stopped by the residential staff, who demanded the agent to guess the password. Upon guessing, “password1234,” the agent was escorted to the floor of the student they wished to detain. When asked about the frequency with which the “secret password” would be changed, President Shipman appeared puzzled, eventually admitting that “perhaps a Secret Password taskforce will be necessary going forward.”
