The Columbia Federalist

May 9, 2026May 9, 2026

Columbia Reassures Students Hacked Data “Hasn’t Changed Much Since It Was Last Leaked”

NEW YORK — Columbia issued a statement Wednesday calming concerns over the ShinyHunters breach, noting that the compromised dataset is “substantially identical” to the one released in last August’s cyberattack, and the…

Cartoons/On Campus

Alma Mater Photo Op

by Isabella Palit

May 4, 2026May 4, 2026

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Articles/Opinion

Reasons Why I Wasn’t At My Friday 8:40

by Federalist Staff

May 4, 2026May 3, 2026

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Advice/Articles

email GUARANTEED to get you off that waitlist

by Federalist Staff

May 4, 2026May 3, 2026

Dearest Illustrious Professoress Tal Malkin, When I was a child, my mom…

World

God: Noah’s Ark Requirements Are Too Binary

by Ani Wilcenski

January 22, 2017November 6, 2021

"My views are evolving to reflect the changing needs and perspectives of my diverse constituents," the Lord writes in a heartfelt op-ed.…

On Campus

Breaking: Some Kind of Shit Going Down On Low Steps

by Dallas Koelling

January 19, 2017November 6, 2021

Additional reports will not be given as this story develops, because not one person cares.…

On Campus

Op-Ed: College Is Hard, So My Abs Are Not

by Anonymous

January 18, 2017November 6, 2021

"I used to do a ten second plank every morning, but I had to cut that in half so I could have enough time to sleep."…

World

Op-Ed: Porn Cameramen Need to Shut the Hell Up

by Anonymous

January 17, 2017November 6, 2021

"This is a beautiful connection between a man, a man, a man, another man, a woman, and me, and you need to get the fuck out."…

On Campus

Columbia Vows to Switch to Cage-Free Adjuncts

by Max Rosenberg

January 17, 2017November 6, 2021

Columbia’s free-range adjuncts will be ethically sourced from a farm upstate.…

On Campus

Student Wishes Parents Would be More Open Minded About his GPA

by Philip Maehr

December 30, 2016November 6, 2021

They insist that "he could do better" than his ugly GPA.…

On Campus

Merry Christmas from the Federalist!

by Natalie Arenzon

December 24, 2016November 6, 2021

Merry Christmas!…

World

God to Deceased at Pearly Gates: “Who Do You Know Here?”

by Greg Humphries

December 21, 2016November 6, 2021

"Apparently, you can only get in if you bring two girls with you.”…

On Campus

Columbia School of Journalism Converts Entire Curriculum to Internet Slideshow – You Won’t Believe What Happened Next!

by Isaiah Bennett

December 20, 2016November 6, 2021

“We’ve made a 10-part slideshow to explain the school’s decision, and it will BLOW. YOUR. MIND.”…

On Campus

Fun and Games

by The Feditorial Board

December 20, 2016November 6, 2021

Looking for a way to procrastinate?…

On Campus

You Thought You Were a Feminist? This Student Brought 44 Barnard Women to Orgasm

by Greg Humphries

December 20, 2016November 6, 2021

Not all heroes wear capes.…

On Campus

Guy Takes Ten Fucking Years to Fill Bottle at Ferris Drinking Station

by Ani Wilcenski

December 19, 2016November 6, 2021

It shattered all the records.…

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