Welcome Freshmen. Welcome to NSOP. Welcome to the most important week of your life. Welcome to the seven days that will make or break your entire college experience, heck your entire future.
Sit down. Stay a while. Soak in this moment. It doesn’t get better than this And here’s what you need to do:
Couple up NOW. The person you kiss this week is the person you are going to marry. You will never find love if you don’t find it now. These bonds last forever. And time is ticking. But we at The Fed are here to help with a new flirtatious tactic.
But fair warning, this tactic requires a series of strategic moves, mastered over years of experience. It might be difficult at first. It may drain you physically, mentally, spiritually – but keep reading, and trust that it will get that special someone feeling things they’ve never felt in that teenage body.
First, you must relinquish all bolliticanahs. Once you perform the necessary mental exercises, you may proceed to the next step. Remember, stay focused, for you must lean into the fear. Approach the target person. Next you will squat very close to the floor, requiring a strong sense of probiggla. Now, with careful fingers, place them at this person’s ankles, and lightly tap. Remember, you must keep focused. Now, proceed with a keen eye for ygoogoo and an undeniable flogjutaa. Before continuing NEVER forget to ghloothorgmnia, or you may be removed from the university. Remember, this is the person you will spend the rest of your life with. Once you carefully assert your desire and finish plundichting, grotelwquesting, bckikiding, and plovtoroxihixing, you may feel fatigued. This is normal, but give yourself a pat on the back, you have completed all of the steps in the NSOP Mating Process.
If this does not work for you, that is okay, you will be okay. Life can be very fulfilling as a singleton…not for anyone we know, but probably for many people that exist. Now good luck, may you find NSOP love, choose wisely, and never forget to gplooperhinternog.
