BUTLER – Recently, Columbia’s campus erupted into debate when Vice Provost Ann Thornton announced that the marching band would not be allowed to hold Orgo Night in Butler 209, citing its disruptiveness to students attempting to study.
“We want to make sure everyone has the right to work without interference,” said Thornton. “Nobody should have to be rudely interrupted midway through their pricey Adderall bender by that kind of frivolity.”
“Columbia prides itself in taking the financial needs of its students very seriously,” added Thornton. “We know that many people here work extremely hard to fit Adderall dependencies into their tight budgets, and we would hate for them to feel as though this work was wasted. Who wants to take an hour out of their frenzied Adderall binge to watch a bunch of malnourished tuba players perform some mediocre comedy?”
When asked if she was aware that holding Orgo Night in 209 was one of Columbia’s few flimsy community-building traditions, Thornton was surprisingly optimistic. She expressed hope that other unifying traditions, like never finding a goddamn seat at peak Ferris times, smashing into the Lerner turnstiles because the ID scanners are garbage, and watching “Would You Eat This Homemade Gummy Chicken?” on YouTube from 5 to 7 A.M. in Ref Room to drown procrastination-fueled self-loathing in sufficient visual and auditory stimulation for one sweet moment, will tide students over until they can find actual social bonds after graduation.