HEWITT – Chad Matheson CC’19 sits at a stain-encrusted table. The room is dimly lit, but Matheson still squints in discomfort at the rays of light streaming in through the windows. His eyes are bloodshot, his tongue weary. He tells The Federalist that this is the first time he has seen light this week after an eight-day odyssey across the Barnard campus.
Matheson is a political science-economics major, a leader in the Greek community and a member of Columbia’s club soccer team, but he says that after this month of discovery and experimentation, he’s now considering a concentration in gender studies.
Matheson wasn’t always such an egalitarian: “Before the start of this semester, I’d never even made a girl squirt. Women used to fake orgasms for me all the time, and the first time I had sex I only lasted 30 seconds. I cried for an hour after.”
After a two-month dry spell during which Matheson was unable to bring a single woman to orgasm, he decided it was time for a change.
“You think I was born with these rubber fingers and a tongue with the strength of a boa constrictor?” he asked me. “I had to do tongue curls every day until I could barely move my mouth. Those were some tough times. But every female ejaculation makes the hours of work all worth it. A lot of guys tell me, ‘Chad, some women aren’t able to orgasm.’ I tell them they’re just not trying hard enough.”
The new Chad Matheson, he tells me, is one inspired by an exposure to literature and art that empowers women. When I asked about specific books and authors, he cited Plato’s Symposium and “the fifth Harry Potter where Hermione suddenly becomes really hot and smart” as eye-opening.
“I want to make a difference,” said Matheson. “I want to show the world that empowering women means more than giving them equal rights. It means eating out all of Sulz in a weeklong orgy.”
Matheson doesn’t claim to be Betty Friedan or Emily Davison but sees his place in the women’s rights movement. “Not all heroes wear capes,” he said, clenching his jaw. “Some wear dental dams.”