LOW LIBRARY – On Wednesday morning, the university announced that it would begin accepting IOU notes from students struggling to find spots in classes required for graduation.
Under this new program, students may graduate without having completed certain courses required for their degrees, provided they sign an affidavit promising to either come back and take them at some point or to make an unreasonable amount of money on Wall Street and then slap their name on a library.
The text of this document reads: “I, [name], having failed yet again to navigate the absurdly simple system that is class registration, hereby request a waiver for [class], acknowledging that doing so brings shame on myself, my ancestors, and my sons and grandsons unto the third generation. In exchange, I will be permitted to graduate. I understand that failure to comply with this requirement compels me to forfeit a third of any earnings I have obtained as a result of this degree and/or 20 years of my life in indentured servitude and/or my virtue and any associated integrity of my bodily orifices, whichever the faculty of the University deems most valuable at that time.”
Due to the stringency of this document, however, a number of illicit alternatives for students seeking waivers have popped up, including an anonymous elderly employee in the Core Office granting some students a waived semester of Contemporary Civilizations for, in legal jargon, a “pinky promise and slutty wink.”
To address this policy and concerns about it, President Bollinger held a press conference. The alluringly-coiffed president explained to reporters that, while the program has its flaws, “Wait-list sizes are at an all-time high, and attempting to land a place in every course necessary to earn a degree has become a source of undue competition and stress for students. Ultimately, we just want students to have a rewarding and positive experience with registration, not a toxic or frustrating one.”
When asked about solving this problem by potentially allocating more money to expand the size of high-demand courses, the president suddenly remembered a pressing prior engagement and cut the session short, mumbling something about the overpowering necessity of using university money to plan 5K’s or build shit in Manhattanville.