Generous Passengers Sprinkle Unwanted Airline Peanuts Over Flyover Country to Feed Hungry Rural Whites

Since Donald Trump’s election, tensions have been high between Democrats on the coasts and Republicans everywhere else in the United States. But one inspiring plane full of so-called liberal elitist passengers, flying direct from New York to San Francisco, showed they were willing to put the election behind them to help out the rednecks and coal miners that make up America’s heartland. Offering support to low-income Trump supporters, 300 passengers on Virgin America Flight 11 opened their windows and sprinkled their uneaten airline peanuts over Michigan, feeding dozens of famished Rust Belt whites.   

“The holidays are stressful for everyone, regardless of political affiliation,” said Karen Shields, a passenger on the flight. “You have to juggle showering your nieces and nephews with Christmas presents and buying an eight-course Christmas dinner for 25 from your local deli. I just want Trump supporters to know that I understand what they’re going through, and that I’m here to help. And how better to show that than by showering them with six ounces of hermetically sealed peanuts at terminal velocity?”

Margaret Peters, a first-class passenger on the flight, thinks the peanuts served another purpose. “They were jalapeño flavor, which is pretty exotic for someone who buys all of their groceries from a Piggly Wiggly. I hope that by exposing the rural whites to other cultures and traditions, we made them more tolerant toward differing points of view.  It was the spirit of goodwill that drove me to pause Game of Thrones on my iPad and drop some protein-filled packets of diversity to the hungry masses. Maybe tasting a spicy legume is all it takes to make someone realize building a 2000-mile wall is a bad idea.”

Though the passengers were pleased with their effort, the sea-level recipients of the projectile peanuts were not as enthused. “A Mexican peanut flew like a bullet from overhead, shattered my window and lodged itself in my left eye,” said Kyle Moore, a resident of Flint, Michigan. “I’m going to be on disability for months. Good thing TrumpCare is going to be the best, so good.”

Despite the mixed reception, Peters is confident that such overhead distribution of unwanted airplane noshis key to bridging the partisan gap: “Next time, I’m going to throw down the free travel magazine. It’s the least I can do to educate these Midwestern deplorables.”