An investigation by The Federalist into the grand opening of Molly Tea, a Chinese boba tea franchise located at the intersection of Broadway and W 111th Street, recently revealed concerning levels of MDMA, known colloquially as “Molly,” within their drinks and products.
On Friday, April 17th, what began as a celebration of the newest boba location in Morningside Heights soon evolved into a concerningly joyous, enthusiastic crowd of customers. The neighborhood, unsurprisingly, is not unfamiliar with hour-long lines and overly dedicated customers, especially during a grand opening. After all, the grand opening of Heytea, a competing boba franchise located a block south of Molly Tea, experienced a similar reception.
However, over the weeks following Molly Tea’s opening, The Fed’s investigative unit seemed to notice something strange about the customer base: they always saw the exact same people buying drinks whenever they walked past. To explore this rigid customer loyalty, The Fed attempted to interview the recurring boba customers to find out exactly what is so special about a simple Jasmine Milk Tea.
Crystal Beth (CC ’28) was the first and only customer to be able to express her passion for the new boba franchise in a comprehensible manner. As she lollygagged outside, pink boba cup in hand, she shouted, “OH MY GOD I LOVE MOLLY TEA. THIS SHIT FEELS LIKE A RAVE IN A CUP.” After doing five consecutive side aerials out of excitement, she then took a moment to catch her breath—drooling and panting—before continuing her interview. “I just feel like I can never get enough…” she exclaimed as her left pupil dilated to noticeably engulf her iris. Then, before The Fed could pose a follow-up question, Crystal hastily concluded her interview, “There’s just some sort of FEEEEELINGGGGGGGG,” impressively singing an ascending G major scale as she frolicked back up Broadway.
Having gathered the necessary information on the very much sober Columbia Sophomore, The Fed then contacted Molly Tea for comment regarding the somewhat jarring behavior of their loyal customer, to which they responded, “Bitch why do you think we’re named Molly Tea?”
Ultimately, the Fed’s investigative unit concluded that, given Molly Tea’s response, the inclusion of MDMA is unsurprisingly a fundamental part of their drinks—shocker. And to be honest, if they want to charge nine dollars for a drink, a good ass buzz better come with it.
