NEW YORK – A massive winter storm blanketed the tristate area in eight to twelve inches of fresh snow today, forcing schools and businesses to close. However, for members of the Columbia…
On Sunday, January 25th, faculty, students, and other members of the Columbia community were informed that Jennifer Mnookin, chancellor at a safety school, was selected as the next President of Columbia University.…
Happy Holidays! This is Santa, sending out a mass dispatch to all your little munchkins — naughty and nice — around the globe. We at the North Pole get a lot of…
In a recent announcement this week, the Presidential Search Committee shared that they are still unable to find a single person who actually wants to be University President. “We know this may…
Dear Professor [NAME], I hope this email finds you well. I, unfortunately, am not doing so great, especially after taking your exam today. However, I think I have some pretty good explanations,…
In response to the December 5th, 2025 trespass on Barnard’s 616 residence hall, the CARES Community Safety team appointed a new Security Chief Alpha, 6’3 former-CEO Hugh G. Thruster. Recent survey reports…
‘Twas the night before my midterm, when all through the floor The athletes were stirring, those terrible whores. Their mouths pierced the restful reading room with flair, In hopes that one and…
Uris Pool will be CLOSED on Sunday, December 7th, from 7 pm to 9:30 pm, due to someone taking a fat shit in the pool. That’s right: one of your dear, dear…
The Department of Public Safety was informed that on Friday, December 5th, 2025, at approximately 11:30 p.m., a suspicious person was identified at 2940 Broadway Hall. The individual is male presenting and…
Ever since I was a little girl, I’ve dreamt of working at [large corporation] in [large city]. I’d imagine swiping into that tall, brutalist building with a smile on my face, dressed…
