Columbia Says “Fuck It,” Awards Netanyahu Honorary Doctorate

After thousands of Columbia students found out via random GroupMe messages that the 2024 campus-wide graduation ceremony had been canceled, university president, Minouche Shafik, threw in the towel and said “fuck it, I’m giving out fake degrees.”

In her university-wide email, that, again, makes no note about graduation being canceled, Baroness Shafik revealed that Israeli prime minister, Benjamin Netenyahu, will receive an honorary Doctor of Laws degree due to his “resilience against mean tweets and shouting from Columbia’s student body.”
Students remain unclear about when and where Netenyahu will receive the very real, very important award, but Shafik promised that “both myself and Professor Clinton will be in attendance.” This is a developing story.