BREAKING: Columbia Announces New Dorm Plans to Go Into Effect for the 2024-2025 Academic Year

Columbia has announced new plans for housing to open next year. The new plans are meant to “fit the ever-changing needs of our community,” said one representative. “We’re particularly concerned about the bathroom situation. There have been a troubling number of reports indicating that our first year students do not seem to understand the basic hygienics of communal housing.”

In regards to other communal campus housing, a spokesperson for Columbia denied the new designs had anything to do with the recent events unfolding on campus.

“If anything, we’re just trying to give students a more immersive Core Curriculum. Some students said they found Foucault difficult to understand. We think these changes will really lead to more productive and engaging seminar discussions, which are the heart of a Columbia education.”