Mondel Chocolates Kept in Business by One Single Tenured Professor

Stunning investigative journalism by the Colombia Spectador recently discovered that Mondel Chocolates, the beloved chocolate shop on 114th and Broadway that nobody has ever been inside of, has stayed in business for twenty years thanks entirely to the patronage of one tenured English department professor. Dr. Schokolade admits that he has shopped at the store every day since he first arrived at Columbia University, and that he thought $49.99 was “a normal amount to pay for a Hershey’s bar, what with inflation being what it is.” Refuting accusations that the store is a mafia front, Mondel Chocolates’ tax returns point to years of continued loyalty from the professor, who often stops in for a sweet treat. “It’s such a convenient place,” Dr. Schokolade told the Colombia Spectador, “I can imagine the undergrads popping into Book Culture for the latest Emily Wilson translation and then grabbing a chocolate or two with their friends.” At press time, Fed investigations revealed that the last time a student entered Mondel Chocolates was in 2005 in order to ask to use the bathroom. No Colombia Spectador reporters entered the shop to write this article.