“We Want What’s Best for Our Community! Therefore, We Have Demolished Our Community!” 

In a leaked letter to faculty and staff from Baroness Shafik and the Board of Trustees, The Fed has discovered the real reason why campus has closed and commencement has been canceled.  

“This has been a difficult, unprecedented time for us all, and community has never mattered more. As this remains our top priority, we have come to a solution that makes the most sense for the admin’s–Oh, I mean, the University’s–best interest.”

The letter continues, reading: “Our solution to protecting the community is to disband it entirely. There is no community to be at stake or in harm’s way if there is simply no sense of togetherness on his campus. Nothing to protect, nothing can go wrong!” 

After this revelation, The Fed was able to secure a conversation with the Brutalist Baroness herself. When asked if this was why Commencement was canceled: “What’s that? Oh yeah that’s totally off the cards. We have nothing to celebrate! Who even are you people?” 

When asked why the school decided to bring NYPD onto campus, which had been originally marketed as a “safety” technique to protect the community and the space for the Commencement celebration, Shafik started to Cupid-shuffle away for a few seconds before speeding into a sprint down Amsterdam Ave.