Shafik and Rosenbury Expel All Current Students: “We Need to Start Fresh.”

Given the high tensions on campus and the recent lockdown of Columbia’s Morningside campus, Columbia and Barnard administrators are done with their facades of “dialogue” and “student safety.” 

In a joint statement, Columbia University President Minouche Shafik and Barnard President Laura Rosenbury wrote: “We suppressed student speech, and everyone was mad. We suppressed student action, and everyone was mad. Now we’ve suppressed student mobility, and everyone is still mad. Genuinely, what do you people want us to do? The right thing?”

Top administrators of each school have also been frustrated with their students’ lack of complicity. “15 minutes is plenty of time to collect your things from your dorm,” an anonymous Barnard Dean said. “At least, that’s how long it took me to sell my soul.”

A Columbia administrator expressed similar feelings: “We close the libraries, we close the dining halls, we close the entirety of campus… can everyone just get the hint and go home already?” 

In an emergency meeting this morning, Shafik and Rosenbury discussed the futures of their respective schools. “Clearly, the problem is our students, not us,” they decided. “We plan on expelling all current students to return to normal conditions. We need to start fresh.”