Happy Holidays! This is Santa, sending out a mass dispatch to all your little munchkins — naughty and nice — around the globe. We at the North Pole get a lot of…
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In a recent announcement this week, the Presidential Search Committee shared that…
Dear Professor [NAME], I hope this email finds you well. I, unfortunately,…
In response to the December 5th, 2025 trespass on Barnard’s 616 residence…
On behalf of the Fed, I spent Thursday night at the tree-lighting ceremony, in search of something funny that might happen (i.e. fart, etc). I found myself standing next to a shivering…
Dining in tonight? Hey! You deaf son of a bitch! Stay behind the line!!…
After rows of College Walk trees were torn down last semester, the fate of Columbia’s annual tree-lighting ceremony has been uncertain. That is, until Interim President Shipman announced a new tradition to…
Fran Splant, CC ’29, was recently spotted wearing a sweatshirt with ‘It Will Always Be New York or Nowhere’ printed on the back. The Fed verified this information with various third-party sources,…
In a bold display of transparency, Columbia University announced that next year’s tuition hike will go directly toward producing more high-quality emails informing students about said tuition hike. The announcement came in…
Dear Mister, I hope you are having a good study session…at the expense of everyone else in this god-forsaken library. YOU, my good sir, are evidently infectious. You are also clearly in…
In a shocking turn of events, President Donald Trump has been spotted at a Washington, D.C. chapter of Young Democratic Socialists of America (YDSA). This came as a surprise to most, as…
We know you guys care a lot about what you put inside your body. That’s why the team at Chef Mike’s is proud to announce a new feature for ordering both through…
Early this morning, a crash in a Cloudflare software system resulted in widespread outages across the Internet, with similar consequences to the Amazon Web Services (AWS) outage last month. Columbia students have…
Okay, I know what you’re thinking: isn’t this a little much? But you guys don’t get it! I’m a SENIOR, alright. I needed my final semester to go perfectly, to lock in…
After the Barnard Wellness Spot announced its “Claytastic! Build-A-Vagina” event this Wednesday, the male Columbia community was quick to erupt in outrage. “This is so fucking unfair,” CC sophomore Richard Johnson told…
