The sun is shining, the birds are chirping, and senior theses have been submitted. Most seniors would take this tranquil moment before finals to enjoy their final weeks at Columbia. However, The…
In response to leaked plans of a new encampment, Columbia Public Safety has heightened its security measures to prevent another occupation of South Lawn. In a memo to Public Safety officers obtained…
Peace be upon you, brothers and sisters. I write today not as a holy man, but as a humble vessel tormented by temptation. It began, as most sins do, with a scent…
Each day seems to bring worse and worse news about the grim fate of higher education in the United States. First, the removal of $400 million in federal grants from Columbia, then…
“Hey little bud! Let’s move away from there haha… no eggs in the car, buddy! Here, let’s play hot-and-cold – you’re freezing cold! Let’s go back to Mommy, maybe there are some…
Do you like being an annoying little jerk à la Home Alone (1990)? Were you the kid that reminded the teacher about homework at the end of class? Well if you’re also…
Following a study conducted by the Columbia Graduate School of Architecture, researchers determined that Low Library falsely claimed an altitude far below its real location on campus. Architectural scholars, who had long…
Every girl wants to go to space, or does she just wanna read her horoscope? Grammy award-winning, world-renowned, best-selling music artist Katy Perry is a part of the crew on Jeff Bezos’…
In recent campus news, Columbia representatives announced that legacy admission students would now be given a leg up in getting into the university: “We believe that the debates about the impact of…
Columbia Dining recently announced that, due to Trump’s newly enacted eggonomic policies, each student would be limited to two eggs per day. Egg consumption will be tracked via CUID and cross-referenced by…
Trump’s anti-DEI push continues. Executive Order 11354, the latest in a series of anti-DEI measures meant to counteract a perceived liberal dominance in the federal government, officially renamed the first trans-continental railroad–also…
This morning, Columbia Dining announced that the infamous campus currency Dining Dollars has been renamed “Cafe East Dollars,” because “that’s literally the only place you can use them anyways.” Columbia has long…
