by Beau Gantz December 7, 2025December 7, 2025 Articles/On Campus “I’m Probably Gonna Light Up Some Tree of My Own After This:” Things Roar-Ee Said to Me During the Tree Lighting Ceremony. On behalf of the Fed, I spent Thursday night at the tree-lighting ceremony, in search of something funny that might happen (i.e. fart, etc). I found myself standing next to a shivering… Continue Reading »
Food and Drink/Poetry Behind the Line: A Haiku Dedicated to the Employees of JJ’s Diner by Federalist Staff December 4, 2025December 4, 2025 Dining in tonight? Hey! You deaf son of a bitch! Stay behind…
Articles/Claire Shipman/Politics Claire Shipman Announces New Constitution Lighting Ceremony by Beau Gantz December 2, 2025December 2, 2025 After rows of College Walk trees were torn down last semester, the…
On Campus Study: New World Order Not What It Used to Be by Ben Greenspan October 3, 2016November 6, 2021 Someone should really tell the protesters on Low Steps today.…
On Campus President Bollinger to Commit Seppuku in Effort to De-Westernize Core by Nick Ribolla October 3, 2016November 6, 2021 "The worst part is he’s probably going to half-ass it anyways.”…
On Campus ALERT: Lee Bollinger Escapes from Captivity by Thomas Germain October 2, 2016November 6, 2021 "If you come across him, the most important thing is that you remain calm and contact Public Safety." …
On Campus President of the Anarchist Club Steps Down by Alysha Hudson October 2, 2016November 6, 2021 The remaining members are disbanding the club entirely because running an election would be a nightmare.…
On Campus Local Eatery Attributes Low Health Rating to Grade Deflation by Anonymous September 28, 2016November 6, 2021 "The health inspector finds fecal bacteria on your counter once and your future is tanked.” …
On Campus Under1Roof to Change Name to “1Roof” to Include Other Prepositions by Thomas Brockland September 27, 2016November 6, 2021 "We want to ensure that all students feel welcome, regardless of which part of speech they feel the strongest connection to."…
On Campus First-Year Wins “Least Employable” at Career Fair by Bryant Benitez September 27, 2016November 6, 2021 He didn't even manage to grab any free swag.…
On Campus CUCR Debate Watch Party Cancelled Due to Inability to Find Couch Large Enough for Four People by Dallas Koelling September 27, 2016November 6, 2021 Unexpected growth in the party's size led to logistical complications.…
On Campus Barnard Student Unable to Activate Lerner Hall Turnstile, Causes Near-Fatal Seven Student Pile-Up by Harrison Gale September 26, 2016November 6, 2021 Next time, she'll do the right thing and hand over her ID to the security desk.…
World Ted Cruz Feels Fine After Spine Removal Surgery by Ufon Umanah September 26, 2016November 6, 2021 The operation eased his endorsement of Donald Trump.…
World News Brief: Code-Switching Tim Kaine Wows Florida Audience With Fluent Swamptalk by Iqraz Nanji September 25, 2016November 6, 2021 Classic pandering.…
World Feminism is When You Touch a Boob, but for Love by Dram Barrington, Doctor of Philosophy September 22, 2016November 6, 2021 You might be asking yourself, "How long do I have to touch a boob to be a feminist?"…