by Madeline Basch December 8, 2025December 8, 2025 Articles/Barnard/New York City Trespasser Flees Site After Confrontation With New Barnard ‘Alpha’ Security Chief In response to the December 5th, 2025 trespass on Barnard’s 616 residence hall, the CARES Community Safety team appointed a new Security Chief Alpha, 6’3 former-CEO Hugh G. Thruster. Recent survey reports… Continue Reading »
Articles/Politics/World Trump Deems American Flag ‘Not Sexy Enough,’ Replaces Fifty Stars With Nipples by Federalist Staff December 8, 2025December 5, 2025 In the wake of myriad changes to the government and general functioning…
Articles/New York City/Politics Bare Beret? Curtis Sliwa To Become Nude Art Model by Sylvia Moores, Winston Vuong and Aron Shklar December 8, 2025December 5, 2025 Following his unprecedented loss in the New York City mayoral election, Republican…
Articles/Food and Drink/On Campus Ferris Presents: The VIP Dining Experience by Federalist Staff December 8, 2025December 5, 2025 Can’t bear the lunchtime chaos? Skip the line and buy a table…
On Campus Guy Takes Ten Fucking Years to Fill Bottle at Ferris Drinking Station by Ani Wilcenski December 19, 2016November 6, 2021 It shattered all the records.…
World Trump Commits 10,000 Troops to Fight the War on Christmas by Harrison Gale December 18, 2016November 6, 2021 “We’re putting boots on the ground, and we’re putting bells on those boots.” …
World Man Glad That Anti-Hamilton Sentiment is Being Normalized by Erika Sherr December 18, 2016November 6, 2021 "The way people go on and on about it, you’d think it was the second coming of Christ."…
World Generous Passengers Sprinkle Unwanted Airline Peanuts Over Flyover Country to Feed Hungry Rural Whites by Anonymous December 17, 2016November 6, 2021 "How better to show them my support?” …
On Campus Student Buys Second Set of Textbooks to Reserve Butler Seat by Benjamin Most December 16, 2016November 6, 2021 On some occasions, she pays her creative writing major friend $20 a day to sit in for her.…
On Campus BREAKING: Finals Dawn On Columbia by Seth Farkas December 16, 2016November 6, 2021 Good luck on finals.…
World That Guy Still Has Lights Up from Last Christmas by Thomas Brockland December 15, 2016November 6, 2021 “I don’t really have anything else going on.”…
On Campus In Response To Growing Waitlists, University To Start Accepting IOUs For Graduation Requirements by Luis Vera December 15, 2016November 6, 2021 You can get out of it by making enough money to slap your name on a library.…
On Campus Administration Cancels Orgo Night Because Students Can’t Afford to Just Waste Their Adderall on That Kind of Thing by Ani Wilcenski December 15, 2016November 6, 2021 "Columbia prides itself in taking the financial needs of its students very seriously.”…
World Trump Places DVD Copy of “Cool Runnings” in Charge of Minority Outreach by Isaiah Bennett December 14, 2016November 6, 2021 “I haven’t been this embarrassed since the ‘National Treasure’ sequel came out.”…
On Campus JJ’s Removes Bowl of Free M&Ms, Saves 50% of Budget by Thomas Brockland December 14, 2016November 13, 2021 "These kids are fat little bastards.”…
On Campus Stressbusters Puppies Vote to Unionize by Thomas Germain December 14, 2016November 6, 2021 These pups are cute, cuddly, and passionate about collective bargaining!…