COLUMBIA UNIVERSITY — In order to cut costs, JJ’s Place has removed the iconic bowl of M&Ms it keeps in the corner next to the “salad” and fat (fun)-free frozen yogurt. The scandalous move was made after a quick look at Dining’s monthly receipts showed that just over 50% of JJ’s budget was being allocated to industrial-sized bags of the confection.
“This is going to be a big savings for the Columbia Dining team,” Executive Director Vicki Dunn was quoted as saying. “We can use the surplus to buy new oil for the deep fryer, or invest in real hot sauce.”
“We knew that the damn bowl would always empty faster than we could fill it, but I had no clue how bad the problem was until now,” commented manager Christina Apollonio. “Honestly, I don’t know how we didn’t catch this sooner. These kids are fat little bastards.”
Quite a number of students were outraged over the move. “This is ridiculous,” said incensed diabetic Gary Klein CC ‘18. “What are they going to get rid of next? That case of stale popcorn?”
“I pay $5,000 a year for this,” he continued. “What good is the money if they get rid of the only edible food there?”