"In the absence of any real personality, our midwestern students sometimes struggle to find their niche on campus, and must resort to misguidedly boasting about their native climate." …

"All this time I was talking about rabbis, but he was thinking about priests?”…

"I’ve always been torn between my love of Gertrude Stein and weirdly shaped plants. But now I don’t have to be.”…

"There were at least 90 virgins in that room, so I do feel like I got some decent value.”…

"I’ve never introduced myself without explicitly mentioning it: 'He/Him/His, Columbia College, Burbank, California.'"…

"This way, students can rest assured that even if that misdiagnosed strep throat becomes fatal, their souls will be preserved in eternal light."…

"You should see those emaciated Slavic studies fuckers on Floor Seven.”…