"I am an only child—and yet, the grill is their favorite member of the family."…
"Was his Alaska cruise okay, but not as good as his Joseph Conrad-esque sailing trip down the Congo?"…
"To all the students emailing me to 'talk about the class,' just drop it. I’m not interested."…
"Approach the first hot girl you see, taking the shortest path possible—use Dijkstra’s algorithm here if necessary."…
"I know I shouldn't, but those mozzarella sticks are so damn good." …
Beware: anyone who approaches Alphadouchies will likely succumb to verbal abuse rooted in insecurities.…
“I don’t need your pity. But I do need you to buy this pan flute CD for $5.”…
“She said she had sent me a package, and I thought it was going to be some flip-flops or a swimsuit or some shit like that."…
“When my friends reference the song, I just laugh and pretend like I get it."…
"I’m starting to miss the familiar, raw sting of alcohol funneling into my rectum."…
