Researchers Discover New Species of Prospective Columbia Students

Image Credit: Natalie Arenzon

Image Credit: Natalie Arenzon

History was written today as scientists have discovered a variety of new species around Columbia campus. While many have borne witness to these miracles of nature, they have been officially documented and added to the list of known species. The Federalist was lucky enough to gain data on the new species:

  • Alphadouchies

    • This type of prospective student is very territorial and has to be at the center of attention.

    • On tours they closely follow by the guide’s side and consistently ask empty questions to seem interested as if the more questions they ask the hung-over sophomore, the more likely their admittance will be.

    • Anyone who approaches Alphadouchies will likely succumb to verbal abuse rooted in insecurities

  • Absentiumcellularis

    • This species is one that does very visibly does not want to be on the tour

    • Can often be spotted on their phone, texting Becky that this school “is frickin lame”

    • Is also usually seen paired with a parent that is exponentially more involved with the tour than they are

    • Got a ‘3’ on the AP US History exam

  • Daddiuswealthius

    • This species can often be spotted as the only one wearing a matching suit and Rolex with his father

    • Also commonly played lacrosse for one year and sucked at it

    • Will go to UPenn

  • Silenciuswarius

    • This species can most often be seen in the back of the herd, constantly looking off with a thousand-yard stare

    • When they do speak, they generally size up other members of the herd by only asking questions regarding test scores.

    • When was the last time they washed those sweatpants?