The first hint was the stroller outside my dorm. But the chaos really began when my parents saw the crib next to my bed. “I’m nesting,” I explained to them, as they…
Apparently this is going to get me “canceled” or whatever, but I’m not afraid. Yeah, I’ll admit it: I waited till my roommate was asleep, grabbed him by the ankle, opened the…
Barnard Facilities has received an especially haunting maintenance request this Halloween season: cleansing a suite of an evil spirit. Beginning in early September, four Barnard suitemates in Suite 11A began to notice…
A 13-year investigation at The Fed has finally concluded to confirm that a majority of finance clubs on campus secretly worship chthonic beings of old. Equipped with silver rings, holy water, and…
Barnard College has received upwards of 200 complaints from prospective students who hesitated to apply after viewing the requirement that applicants must “consistently live and identify as women.” She/theys around the country…
MORNINGSIDE HEIGHTS, NY — On Tuesday, the Chinese Ministry of Commerce announced that a severe nationwide shortage of bao buns has emerged, citing “unsustainable levels of consumption traced to Columbia University’s John…
Following an agreement with Daddy Donald to carry out a comprehensive evaluation of their admissions practices, Columbia has finally released the results of their audit. Findings include a 39% international student enrollment…
Halloween weekend means it’s time to start the seasonal bender all over again, and in honor of the many clubs, bars, and parties we’ll frequent in skimpy and scandalous costumes, here’s a…
It was a courtesy invitation, and I hadn’t even sent it; Columbia did, without even checking if I wanted to see my parents again this soon. Last time my dad came to…
