Apparently this is going to get me “canceled” or whatever, but I’m not afraid. Yeah, I’ll admit it: I waited till my roommate was asleep, grabbed him by the ankle, opened the window of our McBain floor 8 double, dangled him out there upside down, and shook him around till he woke up screaming at the top of his lungs. And I enjoyed it, especially the little frightened look on his face. So apparently that’s no longer cool with everyone? Geez.
I’m really wondering when everyone got so uptight about this stuff. Come on, we’re roommates! We’re supposed to be razzin’ each other! Is it because I didn’t wake him up? Because, if that’s the case, next time I’ll just tie his hands behind his back and then wake him up before I get started on my routine. Look, it will bum me out just a little because it’ll kind of ruin the surprise of waking up upside down in the freezing morning wind with nothing between him and the pavement that’s 200 feet below while his ankle slowly slips out of my sweaty grip. But I’m willing to compromise, I’ll make sure he’s up and awake if that’s the only problem we have here.
I mean, we’ve all done it, guys. Sometimes when you’re fighting with your roommate, you get mad, and say a few things you don’t mean. And then sometimes, to teach him a lesson and really make sure he knows his place, you give him a little scare the next morning by dangling him outside your window by his foot and releasing him for a split second before you grab him again. Just so he knows he should keep his damn mouth shut the next time your dirty underwear somehow ends up on his pillowcase. It’s just a simple conflict mediation strategy—weren’t you guys paying any attention at the floor meeting?
Sure, my roommate filed a room change request, a report, and a restraining order, but I can’t help but think that all the backlash I’m getting from everyone is ultimately somehow related to the Trump Deal. I mean, I never heard a peep from anyone about this before this year, but now all of a sudden the administration wants to lay down the law? Word on the street is Acting President Shipman is a dangler at heart, so it seems like she’s really being guided by her greed instead of her true values. What a shame.
